The Weekly Sunday Rant

ABC

2009-09-16T21:06:00.000-07:00

Things that are my favourite things lately:
- Pictures for Sad Children (http://picturesforsadchildren.com)
- "Slowly" - M83
- Lightroom 2.5
- "Your friends are gone" - Circa Survive
- Chats with Rhett and Colin
- Quinn (tetris)
- "Sometime Around Midnight" - The Airborne Toxic Event
- Doodling on the back of this pringles ad.
- http://youwillfeellessalone.tumblr.com
- American Apparel
- More pictures for sad children
- More youwillfeellessalone.
- Light leaks

Well

2009-09-06T23:57:00.001-07:00

I would like to say that my summer was like a movie and that in working at Seaworld I not only learned the value of hard work and diligence but I also learned valuable life lessons and made friends that would last me the rest of my life.
I really would.
But I didn't.

Wait no.
I learned how to tell people what they want to hear.
Really really valuable life lesson.

So I don't really know where this came from

2009-07-19T13:21:00.001-07:00

This started like...
3rd real day of OGN.
At PB. With Melissa Millman.
And I don't really know exactly what I'm supposed to do with it.
But I keep thinking about Ireland.
Like I'm being tugged there.
I don't know if missions trip
Or just vacation
Or what
But Ireland, you guys.
Ireland.

I don't know what to title this.

2009-07-07T23:40:00.000-07:00

Thing I learned at OGN:
The best conversations in life will happen inside of a bathroom at 8:15 in the morning with one person sitting on the sink and the other on the floor sitting against a bathroom stall and the window is open so there's a slight draft coming in and you're a bit cold but you don't want to leave to get more clothes because that would break the spell of the moment that isn't really magical but is at the time same just because it's so good.

RUN ON SENTENCES ARE MY FAVORITE.

Also I've decided the location of my wedding.
Because the person I marry is most likely going to be this kind of person.
It's going to be in New Jersey.
On the Kingda Ka ride.
My wife and I will get married in the front seat.
And the best man and whoever else will be behind us.
And then right as the preacher finishes and says "You may now kiss the bride" the ride will begin and I will kiss my wife as we accelerate to more than 115mph and go over 400 feet up and it will be romantic.
That's what I look like as romantic, anyway.

OGN

2009-06-30T08:29:00.001-07:00

I'm disappearing off the internets for a week. If you're the praying sort, I'd really appreciate it while I'm gone because it's going to be a really intense spiritual sort of funfun camp.

1) Pray that God gives me some sort of supernatural energy because I won't be getting enough sleep.
2) Pray that everyone at the camp is kept safe.
3) Courage. I really really need courage this week.
4) Pray that no drama happens
5) Pray that I would forge some really close (or closer) bonds with some of my friends
6) Ask that no one gets sick
7) Pray that God will talk to me very clearly.
8) Pray that the worship music would be so incredibly powerful it would make people cry out of joy. Myself included.

There's more, but I don't want to overwhelm you with a list. Oh, but one more thing, please pray that I'll have like, "a servant's heart" and just put other people and their interests before me. I don't want to be selfish this week.

I've got it all worked out

2009-06-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

Okay so this is what I need to take the most awesome pictures in the world and what I would probably use my wishes on if I ever found a genie lamp or something. They're all superpowers but whatever.
1) TELEPORTATION: Probably the most important. "Hmm, I think I'll go shoot at the Eiffel Tower today. No wait, downtown Tokyo.... Actually I'm thinking maybe just Yosemite. *POOF*" And you're there. It would be amazing.
2) INVISIBILITY: Well, you can't really just appear out of nowhere, or people start asking questions. And so invisibility is amazing. And you could like, sneak around places too. You could trespass and no one'd know you're there.
3) TELEKINESIS: Beats any tripod. Ever. Assuming you could hold your camera perfectly still.

Yep. I win. Genie lamp please.

God says stuff sometimes

2009-05-25T19:33:00.000-07:00

So today, I was taking my daily self portrait in mission trails. They'd finally opened up (at least part of) my favorite trail. There was a lot of construction going on, they were doing all this stuff, a LARGE section was blocked off and it was crazy...
ANYWAY.
So I'm on the trail and it's really steep.
But I get up and it levels out and I'm in this sort of triangle area where three paths intersect.

And I chill out, basically just enjoying the scenery (I love mountain views) and the slight breeze and taking a few pictures when there's no fellow hikers nearby (I = self-conscious when picture taking).

I seriously sat on this one rock and didn't move for a good 5 minutes, aside from my eyes, breathing, etc.

And I'm half-zoned out while I do this, I'm not directing my thoughts at all and I'm not really able to remember where my train of thought was five minutes ago. I'm listening in case God wants to say something but not like... SUPER ACTIVE I'M NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ANYTHING ELSE BUT GOD.

But there were like at least five times during my hike that I just kind of stopped and stood still for a moment, and made as little noise as I could so I could hear the wind and the birds and the slight traffic noise, just everything. I really enjoy just... silence. No, not silence that's scary. But quiet. Nobody TALKING. No words being exchanged that keeps me from focusing on that instead of letting my thoughts be free to drift.

There was this one part, where I noticed this part that lead off the trail. It was obvious people went through it semi-often. So I went on it too.

I went through like two curves and some brush and then I came out in this rectangular clearing. There was this giant thing of cement. I don't know. It was like a mini-field I guess. I can't tell you how big, not for sure because I'm bad at measurements and estimating them, but I'm gonna guess... Five yards long and 20 yards wide? Maybe.

And there were these rusted metal poles sticking out every yard or so. Kind of like a fence except nothing was linking them.

One of them looked like it had been bent or melted over in the sun.

And at this one end, the right end from where the trail emerged, there were these other concrete slabs, but way smaller all broken up and lying around and kind of on top each other.

There was this stupid bush in the very middle of it all. I really hated it. Because, the field looked like this place where some epic final showdown between two people would happen.
And then there's this stupid bush in the middle of it. Like what the heck. Why would that happen?

Well anyway.

So I'm going back down the trail and there's this one part where you can go off to the side, and then (if you're going up the trail) back track a bit (but still going up) on a ridge and then you come up upon this mini field on top where there's these like, water pipes or towers or I don't know.

I climbed up on one of them to place my tripod, took a 365 picture by climbing off the water tower and looking back up at the camera, and then climbed up to see how it went. I almost took another, but I think there were some people on the trail or something and I was too embarrassed so I just kind of sat on the water tower with the camera and looked around.

And then I started thinking about wind and stuff, because there are few things I love more than being on a mountainside, or at the very least a high-up place, with a breeze or slightly stronger wind going. I just like the situation, in general. Especially if it's quiet enough around me (as mission trails was) for me to think entirely freely.

And so ANYWAY, I'm looking west into the wind, and I kind of just start asking God if He could increase the breeze a bit. Like make it stronger. Partly because I just love strong wind, partly to see if He'll do it.

And well, it goes up and down. Sometimes it starts getting stronger but then it calms down before it becomes sort of what I was imagining it to be. But it never completely dies. So I sit there, just kind of waiting, listening, not quite talking to God but trying to get closer, and letting my thoughts drift.

Eventually I just kind of laid back on the cement tower thing (my camera was still on its tripod so it might've looked kind of weird to be laying down beneath it but anyway) and closed my eyes because the sun was really bright.

It was waaaaaay to hard to fall asleep on but it was kind of nice.

And God, I believe, was just saying like, "I did make you with free will. I'm not always going to be this huge presence in your life. You ARE going to have to do work, it's not going to be this easy thing. But I'm never going to be completely gone, just quiet sometimes."

And at first I was kind of bummed, because I was like "But God, I WANT you to be stronger in my life, I want this strong wind that I can totally feel is there, I want you like that right now.." But the wind kept doing the same thing and my thoughts kept drifting to Star Trek (oh yeah I saw that movie today) and wherever else and so I guess God had said all he was going to say.

And so I just kind of lay there and eventually became content with the whole experience.

And then I walked down the mountain which kind of sucked because I was going down this steep trail and it was kind of difficult and not blissful at all, and at this one point I was hiking pretty fast because I didn't want this dad and his son to catch up with me because I dislike being near other people when I'm solo hiking.

Actually the whole rest of the stuff and by stuff I mean trip going home was kind of a bummer after the previous part. But whatever.

And apparently I start all of my paragraphs with and, I just noticed that I was doing that. Hooey.

Also I give Star Trek a 9/10. The end.

Flickrrrr

2009-05-11T11:02:00.000-07:00

So this post isn't meant to come across as pretentious, arrogant, or whatever but it probably will because human beings are prideful and I don't know how to finish this sentence.

I'm not content with my flickr views.

When I post a really good photo and it hits flickr explore I get like 10 comments on that photo, maybe 2 or 3 people will add me as a contact and I'll get up to 300 extra views total for the day.

But that doesn't happen very often.

For the most part, my photos get between 10-20 views when I upload them, and then sporadically they'll get 1-3 sometimes.

And like... I don't know. I think they're good. Some I think are really good. Some of my friends on flickr who're really good have told me I'm pretty much on their levels. I have had at least two people tell me my photos deserve more views, faves, basically attention than they get.

And I don't know what I'm doing or whatever. Because I add tags to my photos so it'll show up when searched, I add them to plenty of groups, etc.

And then some of my friends on flickr don't tag their photos, don't add them to groups, and they'll still get like 10 comments on an AVERAGE photo. We have about the same number of people added on flickr too, it's not like they've got 1000 people added compared to my 303. (Ha. 303. It's a band, 3OH3. Anyway)

I see a lot of people who are all like "It's not about the faves and comments, it's about the ART." And I counter that with, "Good art generally gets attention. And my art's not getting so much, is my art bad?"

And I'm not saying I'm one of the ELITE photographers and everything I produce is amazing and I have nothing more to learn, etc etc etc...

But I've been improving! I can see it in my photos! And I've been putting WORK into my photos recently, I'm not just taking one shot and then "Yep, I have a photo for today."

No.

I am walking down to the park, or mission trails, or driving to Grossmont, setting up my tripod, figuring out a pose, and taking at least 20 shots and hoping one comes out good.

It's just like GAH, I want...

I want some freakin' RECOGNITION. Which sounds really stupid to say, because I do get a few people commenting saying "Oh I like this" or "Oh good colours" (P.S. forget spell check, I'm spelling it BRITISH) but I guess I'm selfish because one or two comments just isn't enough.

I've been trying to be more active on flickr lately.
Leaving more comments and faving more pictures and hoping "Do unto others" applies to the internet as well.

Maybe if I just stopped caring I'd get more views, I don't know.

I've run out of steam, I don't even know what I'm typing anymore.
You can tell because of all the "I don't know" 's showing up.
Blah blah post ends blah.

365 Days

2009-05-09T16:06:00.001-07:00

In the off chance you haven't heard, I'm taking a self portrait every single day of the year this year over at http://flickr.com/photos/sethrader

Anyway. Here's some true facts.

While doing the 365 day challenge:
1) You are going to humiliate yourself
2) You will probably get outside a lot more
3) You will become one with the camera's timer
4) You will likely be cussed out at some point
5) You are going to see improvement in yourself and your skills
6) You'll become annoyed when people take your picture, because it probably won't be as good as if you took it.
7) You'll be less self-conscious about seeing pictures of them
8) You'll learn what you don't like about yourself physically. For example, I cannot STAND the side of my face.
9) You will find things. Pages of the Bible in a field, etc. You will also learn how to pick up a piece of trash and make it an amazing prop.
10) You are going to be challenged.

That's my list.
I almost said my jam.
Because The Glamour Manifesto is my jam for lately.
I stole calling things my jam from my classmate Julia except you say her name like HOO-lee-uh because she's Mexican.
Why am I telling you this.

My classmate is a PIG.

2009-04-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the back, he's in the corner like a yard from me.
This girl that he and like ALL of the "gangsta" 's of my class are constantly flirting with, takes off her headphones because he called her.

He starts saying "C'mere girl." like she's a DOG and making kissing noises.
He keeps just saying it over and over, "C'mere girl!" *kiss kiss kiss kiss* "C'mere!" *kiss kiss*

I'm sitting here, my rage slowly building.

She's just staring at him, with a slight glare, a "What the **** do you think you're doing?" look.

Then his friend says, "Hey, c'mere. Not because he said so, but because I said so."

And then the two get in an argument about that.

I probably should have told him off.
Or at least told him to stop saying words.

Interrup- LOL, WORDS

2009-04-21T21:37:00.001-07:00

People... interrupting... annoys me. A lot.
Being introverted, I don't really try and control the conversation. If I think I have something of value to say, I kind of plan out what I'm going to say in my head, wait for a quiet spot in the conversation, then interject my two cents.

Basically... I try and make it meaningful. Like, especially with more serious topics.

So when people INTERRUPT... It's not just that you've stopped me from talking, your actions are seriously saying "I could care less about what you've prepared and planned to say, my opinions and thoughts are more important and I need to say them now."

Ugh.

Introversion is hard sometimes.
Never letting anything out. Well almost never.

I found this funny comic about introverts. I think I have it on my hard drive. It was like, "You are an: introvert. Introverts:
1) THINK running their flapping mouths and getting nowhere
2) Do work instead of bickering and squabbling and wasting time

There was one more but I forgot it.

I wish more people knew that there was this introvert/extrovert thing going on.

I know some people who're like "What? Being around other people makes you exhausted, not charges you up? What is WRONG with you?"

I just want to tell them off, because of course nothing's wrong with me.

OH!

Speaking of telling off.

There was this thing.
An image.
That I saw earlier today.
It was a picture of a protester.
Holding a sign.
The sign said,

"Jesus had 2 fathers, why can't I?"

THAT. MADE. ME. ANGRY.

I mean, that's... that's... that's not even LOGICAL. It's... I've been using absurd and ridiculous too much. I need to go find synonyms. It's LUDICROUS.

I really, really, really hate that phrase. DUH HUH, JESUS HAD 2 FATHERS- YEAH, SHUT UP.

GRAH.
I don't even want to see it again. Ever.

Well I found this interesting.

2009-04-19T21:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know who the quote belongs to. But oh well.

"People who watch TV:
Symbolically not doing something for the sake of not doing it is almost never evidence of sophistication. It is evidence of not knowing what you’re f***ing talking about. Are we really still having this conversation? Television is a part of the cultural landscape at this point—a lot of it is good. A lot of it is bad, some of which is also good. You know, LIKE ALL THINGS MADE BY HUMANS? Obviously it is also a good idea to go outside once in a while. But the presence of a television in your home does not make that decision for you. You make it. Feel free to still go outside at any time."

Author's Notes

2009-04-16T18:11:00.000-07:00

You know how books have those "author's notes" in the back?
I never read those.
Not anymore.

They're usually dull, filled with "I'd like to thank.." or "It's been a fun ride..." or "I hope you enjoyed..."

Awful.

But, after finishing "Lucas" by Kevin Brooks, I felt like I had to. The book was just.. different. You can't really explain it in english. Well, you sort of can because by reading the book you'd understand what I mean, but I don't know how to tell you it was different, other than it was.

But I'm really rambling.

The entire point of this post, is to post the first half of the author's notes.

Here goes:

"To me a good book is like a quiet friend -- a friend who's happy to share thoughts and feelings with you, who's always there when you need them. Best of all, this friend doesn't have any secrets. They trust you to understand them. They take you to their innermost places. They share their sensations and emotions -- and they let you experience them. Wherever you go and however you feel, they are always by your side. For an hour, a day, a week, or forever -- their life becomes yours. Their story is your story. That's the kind of book I'm trying to write." - Kevin Brooks

I HAVE UNPOPULAR OPINIONS.

2009-04-10T21:50:00.000-07:00

Everyone looks at me like I'm a total moron, when I say I want to save my first kiss for my wedding day.

I've been told it's unrealistic, pathetic, naive, stupid, and more.

I have been told "You wouldn't buy a car without taking it for a test drive, would you?" (Wow, way to objectify women. Women =/= cars, and for those unfamiliar, =/= means "does/do not equal).

I don't think it'll be easy. There'll probably be some point in time when I let temptation win, and I give in. But really, EVERYONE I've talked about it with, is rather discouraging about such a decision. Like, it's just NOT DONE.

Which kind of just makes me *all the more determined* to do it. I mean, nobody else is doing it. I'll go for it.

This is probably really easy talk for me though, seeing as I don't have a girlfriend.

Maybe I'm just afraid of getting involved and investing myself with someone.

I see almost all of my friends hooking up, breaking up, happy one day and crying the next. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to become that.

And it doesn't help, either, that there's probably two girls I'd consider dating right now. Both of which, I know, are liked by other guys. And I, being the very introverted non-dominant person that I am, I'm not going to even tell the girls I'm interested in them, let alone date them.

Drama.

Drama drama fracking drama.

This post is totally improvised by the way, I'm typing it as it comes.

I kind of want, like, the experience though.

I need someone to go on, pardon the expression, kick-ass photography adventures with.

Before you say friends, friends get busy. Friends make plans with other friends. Friends have personal projects.

I just realized.

This kind of internal kind of pain/longing is way way way way easier to go through than braces.

Braces is like hell. In your mouth.

And let's see, I've got parents who love me, a roof over my head, plenty to eat and drink, my own camera and laptop and bed and room and Nintendo DS and a car to drive and money to pay for gas and my own iPod and computer speakers that (for the most part) work, I have a tripod and blankets and a bass guitar and awesome friends that put up with rants like this one, I've got an incredible home church with awesome worship that connects me to God, and I've got a GOD who loves me.

SO MAYBE I SHOULD STOP COMPLAINING.

I'm not exactly sure what emotion this is.

2009-03-31T22:23:00.000-07:00

It's not a good emotion, but it's not... like "Oh, here. It's this."

I could be angry, but I don't feel like, the passion anger gives. I'm a little to vanilla for anger.

I'm a bit hurt, but I don't feel very sad about it. Again, I'm too vanilla right now, to feel anywhere close to crying about it. And I'm not depressed.

I do feel a bit betrayed. Mostly because I just wasn't aware of... situation. See, nobody TELLS me anything.

I'm the last one to know.
I have to figure things out for myself, and then ask to make sure I haven't assumed anything incorrectly, or misinterpreted an observation. And asking's just kind of... awkward. I can tell, when I'm like that. I hate being THAT kind of a guy. Freaking eight years of homeschooling. I can completely FEEL when I'm being a naive socially awkward TWIT, and nobody's going to help me out.

(Example, I ask someone question. They don't reply, because it's either awkward/sensitive topic. I ask again, thinking they didn't hear. They don't even look at me. I drop it and sit there in silence wondering 1) Did I do something? 2) What the crap is going on?)

So yeah, maybe it's mostly betrayal. But I'm not.. mad. I don't want revenge. I just wish I'd be kept in the loop more, next time. Everyone just assumes I know. Mr. Quiet Observational Guy knows all. Yeah, right...

I don't know.
Maybe I'm not going to be able to look at the person or people, the same now. I'll try. I mean, "Forgive seventy TIMES seven" (I think) and really, it ISN'T a big enough deal for me to like... Start treating people badly over. But it's like... a slight shift. Not quite the same.

Meh, Healthy.

2009-03-20T20:07:00.000-07:00

I don't really get health nuts.
I kind of have this mentality about health, that's taken from Dilbert(tm)(c)(etc)(:P)(lol)(whyamIstilldoingthis)

In the strip, Dilbert goes back from a jog. He comes back, and tells Dogbert that he feels awful, exhausted, etc. Dogert asks why he does it then, and Dilbert says so he can live longer. Then Dogbert asks why, so he can jog more? He can live longer and keep running and exercising and be breathless and exhausted and crap, or live shorter and be more comfortable.

I don't know.
That explanation doesn't do it quite justice.

But I guess with health, I'm just kind of "meh." "Meh" to eating right meh to working out...

I mean, not that anyone should just become obese, but I've got that "I'm gonna stay young forever" mentality I guess.

I don't really like physically exerting myself.

I don't mind hiking, or hanging out in nature so much.

I just can't stand being all like... out of breath. I can't stand that. I don't like being itchy because you're hot either. I hate that.

OBSERVATION: Most of the lines of text on my blog begin with "I." Fact.

screech

2009-03-19T22:18:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I think God doesn't tell you that you're going to be making a left turn until you're halfway through the intersection.

MONEY

2009-03-10T19:19:00.000-07:00

Freakin'... Driving me CRAZY.

I'm a cheapskate. I shop at thrift stores. I hate eating out. I'm reluctant to pull over for a $1.29 Slurpee.

I don't want to spend the gas to go to a lacrosse game and BE WITH MY FRIENDS.

I don't want to spend the money on a camera that is FAR better than a simple point and shoot, and would DEFINITELY help me become a better photographer.

I hate spending money.

I don't know what I'm going to do with the money I gain by not spending it. Still not spend it? So I can save more?

Maybe I'd be a bit less reluctant if I had a source of income.
But the only job I really want is like, sweeping at Seaworld. I don't want to work in retail. I don't want to be at Subway or McDonald's or Souplantation or any restaurant or business that involves talking to or dealing with customers.

And just like that I run out of steam and so this post is over.

Dear my friends from church

2009-03-03T10:04:00.000-08:00

You know what I really appreciate about you?

If there's drama, you don't talk about it. You keep it on the downlow. It's not everyone's business, and you don't let it be. I think that makes you awesome.

Improving

2009-02-10T21:45:00.001-08:00

Well not myself.
Dad just asked me what parents could/should do to "fit their teens perfect world" or something better.
Well that's a bit of nonsense because I don't think anyone thinks their world is perfect, or that everything should be changed to suit them, but I have one thing.

Realize that yes, you *should* make your kids do some things, to try them, because it will be more rewarding or enjoyable in the end, but *DON'T* make them do everything. Not everything you put us through is making us better. While you do have more experience, and are probably wiser, you're also not going through this, RIGHT NOW. You don't have to sit through (or at least in the case I'm talking about) hour after hour of boring lecture, that teaches you NOTHING, and accomplishes NOTHING besides flushing your day down the toilet.

You aren't the ones writing the endless essays, working out math problem after math problem (okay, depending on your job, you are). And yes, you DO have a job to go to, so you're under stress too. I get that. But it's not the same. And this is a tangent.

The original point/bottom line is, making us do something does not by default build character. In some cases, all it will do is make us pissed off at you for making us do it, and pissed off at everything about the event/lecture/whatever because it's a waste of our time and is something we've heard before.

Just... gah. Some stuff where we say it's total crap, it's really not and yay for you for making us do it. Great, we built character, oh joy. Some stuff, however, believe it or not we have been through enough to realize as *real* total crap. We can honestly say that we learned nothing from it, gained nothing from it, and it really just made us angry.

I'm sort of losing track of some main point I was going to build up to so this is the end.
I kind of like that about my blog though, it's not like *drumroll buildup to the dramatic point* but it's more like *blindsides you with point and then rants about it*

END.

Messages

2009-02-02T11:01:00.000-08:00

I really liked Sarah's message yesterday.
Basically, it was about how we need to enter church on Sundays, as we really are. Which is screwed up, hurt, broken, miserable, pissed off, whatever. She was saying how sometimes we feel the need to put of this total facade of gotta be perfect, gotta look like the perfect little Christ follower.

I think it's so true.
Because, even on the internet, where I rant, I don't let it all out.

Sometimes, I just want to let loose a giant shout of "FUCK!!!"

I still don't believe you should go around spouting horrible language all over the place. But I'm thinking of this line between censoring myself and authenticity. If I censor too much of myself, I'm not showing myself, and I'm not being real to people. I'm witholding from them, essentially. On the other side, if I let out too much, I'm really not being a good representative of who I say I represent, Jesus Christ.

So that was kind of what I thought after the message last sunday.
Another thing though, is I've decided... Well not quite decided as much as discovered I guess, that I'm pretty much anti-social.
Not to the extreme sense, but to an introverted sense.

I just can't stand being around too many people for too long. It just sucks the energy right out of me. It's an ENORMOUS effort to get through school each day. I just get angrier and more tired and aggravated. Then I go home and get an hour break, and then I'm off to Tuesday group or small group, or whatever for.. MORE PEOPLE.
And it's kind of driving me crazy.

It's DEFINITELY not that I hate my friends. I love them. I really, really, really love them. But after so long, I just want to go HOME. I want to be alone. I like hanging out with just the three of us, or just the two of us.

I think everyone needs friends. Everyone needs community, depends on it even.
So I've got these two sides constantly bickering. First I feel left out and unincluded, then I get together with my friends and I can't wait to get away.

I really feel like I want a girlfriend right now. I don't think the relationship would last but I want someone who I can go and hang out with, just BE together. Talking if we feel like it, but mostly just enjoying the silence together and thinking. Someone to imagine with, to call up when I'm lonely.

People say God's really all you need and while I guess it's true, it's not what I feel right now. I feel like God + friends just aren't cutting it. Maybe I'm just dissatisfied.

Anyway, rant portion of this blog is over.
Sunday afternoon was cool, until my camera died.
Michael, Melissa, Jon, Monty and I went to the tidepools. Michael and I took pictures. It was funtimes. Melissa = VERY photogenic.

And now, now I'm sitting in school, looking for ANOTHER freakin' internship and I have no idea what the HECK I want to do as my next internship, struggling with all my thoughts, just feeling... GAH. Oops, rant portion is not over.

But on the other hand, I was reading Psalms in the Bible. And turns out David and I have a lot in common. These verses were so me. Pslams 55:5-8:

"Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.

I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest-

I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
Selah

I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm."

I am that. Right now.

New Albums

2009-01-23T09:57:00.000-08:00

So many new albums set to come out in 2009. I am excited for several. Here's a list in absolutely no order whatsoever:

1) Silversun Pickups - Swoon
2) The Devil Wears Prada
3) Chiodos
4) Circa Survive
5) The Chariot
6) Burden of a Day
7) Eisley
8) Muse?
9) Mute Math?
10) Rx Bandits

I'm expecting Muse & Mute Math should be writing SOMETHING sooner than later, but who knows.
Also, I don't think any of the bands announced the actual TITLE for their new album (aside from Silversun) but they said definitely a 2009 release.
So I'm amped.

Today

2009-01-22T20:31:00.000-08:00

So today, my dad took me up to visit UCLA and USC. Just do a campus tour. That's not the main point of this blog post but just for the record, I liked UCLA quite a bit, and did not like USC at all.

What was really awesome though was that several months ago I met this guy on twitter. I met him while he was a senior in high school, but he's now going to UCLA.

So, since I was on his CAMPUS and all, my dad and I arranged it so we could go to lunch, say hi, and meet.

And it happened.

So awesome.

I can now say I've met someone in real life that I initially met on the internet.
I love the internet.
I wish the internet could be my ringtone.

But seriously.
This is a mini rant, but I really hate when people (when I say people, I mean adults who don't really use the internet a lot but have heard STORIES of STALKERS on MYSPACE and just OH MY GOODNESS, that's TERRIBLE) but anyways I hate when people just assume that everyone on the internet is a stalker.
I mean really, the MAJORITY of the internet is just other people, just like you and me.
While I concede that yes, there are perverts, predators, and people looking to scam you out there, and you shouldn't just give out your information on the fly, I don't really get the point of hiding behind a screen name + lying about your age + lying about your location to everyone you meet. That's just not fun. Rather a bother too.

But yeah, anyway, meeting my friend (John. @Solimander on twitter if you want to go check him out) was really awesome. Just like UCLA. Only he's a person, not a college.

My imagination

2009-01-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

It started off nice and innocent.
I begin at the bottom of the hill on Mission Gorge, on my way to spend the night at a friend's house. The light's green, and I begin my trip up and through the mountains into Santee. On the way up, I'm joined by three or four other cars.

We round the curve. I'm going a bit slower and fall towards the back of the pack.

Then my imagination hits.
These guys are my companions. We're traveling together.
And suddenly they're all dashing ahead of me!
Three of them roar on ahead, the fourth is slowly but steadily getting ahead of me.

I glance into my rearview mirror, and decide I don't really feel like being alone in the dark, so I put on a little more gas.

I glance into the mirror again... and I see them.
Yellow-white lights, towards the bottom of the hill.
My imagination strikes again...

They're after me.

After us, rather, but I'm behind all of my comrades. I speed up a bit, as the car ahead of me crests the hill. I don't want the car out of my sight. The car blinks out for a bit, then reappears as I also crest the hill.

And then I'm coasting down, down, careful to stay within the speed limit for the rational part of my brain that's not imagining knows I could very well get a speeding ticket, but my imagination is still going faster and faster, away from those who're trying to get me.

I'm at the bottom of the hill, another glance at the mirrors reveals they're just starting down the hill.

I grin a bit, happy I'm that far ahead of them. Maybe the light will turn red, and they'll be caught, and I'll soar on ahead...

Then I see the next light, that just turned green. I go as fast as I can, URGING the light to stay green, because if I don't make it, they'll catch up to me.

The light complies, and I make my left turn, euphoric that I got away with it.

Unfortunately I'm now all alone on the road. If another one of their minions comes after me, I'll have no one to help defend me.

I come up to the stoplight, which is a horrid red. There's two cars waiting at the light, but I need to make a right turn. I squeeze by them, check for oncoming traffic, then make my turn.

All is calm for the next two minutes, but the road is straight and when I check my mirrors again... In the far off distance, it's one of THEM.

I speed up a bit, but they're still slowly, slowly catching up.

This continues in a painful way, my paranoia increasing, until we reach the 7-11 intersection.
Fortunately it's green. I don't even bother to brake for the dip, but continue going as fast as I can without actually speeding through the residential area now.
I come to the stop sign and consider making the quickest California Roll ever but...

They're gone.

No sign of them.

I triumphantly (and exuberantly) cross the intersection and finish my trip to my friend's house, with no other sign of evil.

And that, is how my imagination works when it's 7:00 at night and I'm driving by myself with Skillet playing in my car.
It was crazy, how once my imagination started on something I was actually beginning to get paranoid as to what would happen if the car caught up with me.
I actually tricked myself into getting scared.

I just discovered

2009-01-18T19:17:00.000-08:00

Man.
I am freakin' INFLEXIBLE.
Literally and figuratively.
Literally, I can't do the splits worth crap.
Figuratively, more so. When I decide something, it would take a lot to sway my opinion. Even in Jack in the Box versus Wendy's, if I pick Jack in the Box I would sure hate to have somebody say "Oh hey, I want Wendy's" because in my mind, I already picked, it's set, suddenly going back to consider our options is just confusing and waste of time, and throws me off. A lot.

And I think it just ruins things a lot for me. Example.
I'm about to go over to friend's house for night. Dad says it's fine. Mom says she doesn't really want me doing it, because of long kind of private story. (Not of me, but of... oh, never mind).

In my mind, I was pretty much set to go, just needed mom's okay.
Then she's all like "I'd really rather you not because.."
And then it just becomes all complicated to me.
I just get crushed and apathetic.
I go back to my room.
Back to reading.

I'm about to go over to said friend's house now, but I almost didn't.

Dear future wife: Do not be a sudden "let's change our plans" sort of person. And please be able to cope with my not liking change of plans.

Influence

2009-01-16T17:34:00.000-08:00

People influence me too much.
Today I was told that "I worry about you sometimes." and "Are you depressed? Are you entertaining any harmful thoughts?" and I said no, because even though my day had not been incredibly awesome up to that point, I wasn't feeling too down. So then what happens later on? Just little things. I forget the clip for my camera tripod. I stub my toe. The auto focus refuses to focus on anything and the manual focus (as always) refuses to work.

And all this time, I'm thinking about what I got told, because I'm paranoid. I figure they must have a reason to ask it in the first place. Maybe they're right. Maybe I am depressed.

I eventually start losing it a bit, cussing at the camera, blah blah blah.
Now I'm definitely thinking harmful thoughts.
Not suicidal, mind.
Just angry.

I hit the desk with my toe and begin slamming my fist on it in anger.
I hate it when I get that angry.

And I just feel kind of anti-social lately.
I don't last long at tuesday group, church, whatever.
I've been leaving as soon as I possibly can.
And I don't really want to talk to people much.
I'd really just rather be left alone.
Thinking.

UGH. Ok, just saying, ESPECIALLY when I'm in the car with my headphones on. I'm TRYING to zone out with the music, I don't WANT to be actively participating in a conversation.

Meh.
Anyway, on another note, I saw this chick who left my school after freshmen year today.
It was kind of weird.
I didn't even say a word to her.

Right now

2009-01-12T21:22:00.001-08:00

I kind of wish I had a girlfriend right now.
Just something I've done. It's kind of silly really.
I want to tell someone about it though, and it's not something I'd tell just anybody.
If I had a girlfriend I'd be really excited to tell her. Let her in on a rather private part of my thoughts, and make her feel special because I told her.
But, unfortunately, no girlfriend. (Fortunately, actually.)
I know a couple people I could tell, but I don't know.
It's definitely something I'd rather share with a girl.
I feel like I could tell Michael too. If you read this, go ahead and ask me Michael. I guess.
Just an iTunes playlist with meaning..
Just something silly..

Bugging Me

2009-01-04T21:58:00.000-08:00

Okay, first off, I don't want to provoke anything by this. I do not want any stupid "intelligent" debates, discussions, etc. I am asking a question. I'd like an answer.

If there's no God, where's morals?

I do believe fully in God and Jesus. Heaven, sin, hell, angels, all of it.
But, other people don't. And what if they're right?

Well then, I don't see why it should matter if I decide to steal a pack of gum at 7-11, or download all my movies and programs illegally.

I don't see why it should matter to me, if I murder someone else because something they said ticked me off. Or if I never censor my language. Or if there's people starving halfway around the world.

Without some sort of higher power, whether it's Jesus or something else, it seems to me to become very me against the world. I'm going to take all I can get before I die and become eventually forgotten.

I'd really just like to know.
How do morals exist? What's right? What's wrong? IF there's no God, no one to define it, who's to say? The government?

So if the government were to define what's right and what's wrong, then that's just other people defining right and wrong.

And if other people define right and wrong, I can define it.

So then defining right and wrong becomes personal.

I don't know, maybe this is built on very unsolid arguments.
But I still think my question is valid.

OHEMGEE

2008-12-27T08:45:00.000-08:00

So in the off chance that you didn't hear already...

From my facebook... or twitter..... or mass email my mom sent out....

I HAVE MY LICENSE.

HECK YES.

AAAAHHH!!

2008-12-24T20:21:00.000-08:00

Aaaahhh!!
I just want to run!!
I've got so much energy, and it's not just because of the sugar I had tonight!

I am like, SUPERCHARGED.

Ogn people so know this feeling.
You just want to go and not stop.
Because you know no matter where you go, you're so with God you're just going closer to him.

AAAAHH!!

I want to like, grab a couple friends and go!
Anywhere!
Although, in San Diego you can't REALLY go west so much.
But that's not even the point!!

(haha. I just realized this post may sound a bit weird to anyone who doesn't believe in God or doesn't have a really strong faith. Well, it's going to get a bit weirder and I'm not really going to apologize for it, because I feel freakin' PASSIONATE.)

I can just like feel the holy spirit... Not.. crawling but just like... maybe dancing?
There is like a freakin' PARTY going on inside me man!
I want to dance.
And run.
I want to dance and run.
I want the freeways to be empty.
And all the speed and energy in the world.
And just... GO.

I WANT OGN TO BE RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

Something needs to keep this high up.
I really wish it would never end, this feeling.

OHMYGOSH!!!
I think this right now.
Is probably just a little bit.
Just a wee tiny little eensy smeensy bit.
What heaven is going to be like.

And THAT is incredible.

I think if the me right now, could meet me in a crappy mood, I'd slap myself.
Because it's just so RIDICULOUS to ever be down! Just.. thinking about what's coming. What it'll BE LIKE.

GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.

8D

^ That is my face right now.

Ok well actually I'm smiling a little bit but that's the way I feel inside.

I LOVE the Christmas eve service at Journey.

I wish every sunday in encounter was like that.

I wish I wish I wish.

Maybe..
Maybe if people started
Dancing during worship
Literally, getting on their knees when we sang that song
Never zoned out
Dug into their bibles like it was an addiction they couldn't break

Maybe then.
Maybe then..

Confliction

2008-12-20T20:17:00.000-08:00

So I went to Balboa Park and just took pictures with my friend from school Mary Lou today. It was just cool, I like taking pictures.

But while taking pictures with her, while we were just talking about whatever I kind of realized something about myself, a huge sort of confliction (spellcheck says that's not a word. I'm making it one) that's kind of, I dunno, not bugging me so much as just I don't know if I'll ever resolve it ever.

On the one hand, I've got my really introverted side that doesn't really like being noticed by people, would happily just let life go by without being in the spotlight and seen by a lot of people. I don't want to be out there, because in the world of teenagers, a lot of us suck and are really critical, and if I'm not noticed, I can't really get attacked and put down, etc etc. I don't really wish I was invisible, not to that extreme, but I do just like being in the background sometimes.

But then on the other hand, I most DEFINITELY do not want to blend into the crowd. Anyone can do that, it takes no skill. I don't want to be a stereotype like a nerd, goth, jock, geek, whatever. I don't want to be another myspace user posting song lyrics and <3's>

So one side, doesn't want to be noticed. The other, doesn't want to blend in. I guess what I really want is to not be seen by a lot of people but at the same time still be different from people around me.

I guess part of what spurred this blog post is this thing I got on myspace, called "truth box". Basically, anyone can leave a message and be anonymous. I don't even know why I have it anymore, it's become so ridiculous and such, but I have it. Anyway, I got this message in there, and I'm going to go copy it so I can quote it directly.

Well myspace is being lame, but the gist of it was "wat us ur name about stop being weird and be normal like every1 else."

Let's see. Chatspeak, misspelling of "is" (they actually spelled is as us, I couldn't believe it) no grammar or capitalization whatsoever.. I think this is a case of someone putting someone they don't know down so they can feel better about themselves.

But seriously!! I mean like, that is EXACTLY why I fight back so hard!

I don't want to be like everybody else.

Ooh. That's a song line and it goes with this blog post. Go youtube "Everybody Else" by care bears on fire. or myspace.com/carebearsonfire

So that I guess pretty much sums it up.

I don't want to be like everyone else, but at the same time, I really don't want to be noticed.

Let's see how this plays out down the road..

Zone Out (The So Unknown)

2008-12-18T20:18:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I wonder what my fellow teens/classmates are thinking about when I see them zone out in class.

I imagine most are thinking about just stuff. Meaning, girlfriends, sports, driver's license, just general things that teens think about. Bands, gossip, myspace profiles.

But I guess I really wonder how many people do what I do. When I zone out, my imagination is freakin' ALIVE. When I'm staring into space, I'm probably writing a story, or flying over the grand canyon, or hanging out in Yosemite. Just cool stuff like that. Sometimes I imagine conversations between me and my friends, it's almost like we're actually talking to each other. I wish there was like, some sort of way for people with really good imaginations to enter each others. It could be all like, "Michael_Chandler wishes to assist you with the current plotline you're imagining. Accept?" That would be so sick. I really wish I could do that too, because I usually can't/don't want to explain things in my imagination, because 1) It's kind of personal 2) Guys are generally jerks and I could get called gay or a sissy, which I kind of hate. And really, imagination is where I retreat to most of the time, I definitely wouldn't just tell people about what's going on there. But sometimes I wish I could. Like kindergarten, just being able to pretend with people.

Oh! my gosh.
Great idea just hit me.
If I could share my imagination with people, and they with me... that would be the bomb BECAUSE:

I've been to Yosemite, so I know what it looks like. Someone who hasn't, who entered my imagination, would then be able to see Yosemite, or what I remember of it. And people who've been to say, New York and I haven't would let me see New York. (grammar fail of a sentence).

Man. I'm kind of pumped about this now except it's never going to happen. Maybe in heaven but who knows.

..You know what I think is weird?
Is when you zone out, and then realize you're zoned out, but you don't come out of your zone. Sometimes I'm able to keep myself in my zone, and keep track of my one thought process, while thinking about how weird it is that I'm aware I'm zoned out at the same time.

Well, so ends my post on zoning out.

CHRISTMAS BREAK OH MY GOSH.
Yay time off of school.
And maybe

Just maybe...

DRIVER'S LICENSE midway through.

Heck yes.

Pray for me on December 26th at 3:20 PM por favor.
I'm nervous :S

STUPID FINALS

2008-12-17T13:58:00.000-08:00

I wish finals weren't over still.

My classmates are being REALLY loud.
Obnoxious.
Making me pretty decently ticked off...

I want to kick them all. Or something. SOME of us are trying to work on a five paragraph essay that's due in 1.33 hours. (I did not procrastinate, it's a timed essay).

SERIOUSLY.

I don't care if they talk, but they're all being LOUD.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just cut loose and yelled SHUT UP at the top of my lungs.

I can be pretty loud if I want to, but I'm not in class.

I *ALSO* hate when they plunk down beside me and just decide to stare at my laptop screen, whatever I'm typing whatever I'm doing...

GAH.

This is just one long rant post about my classmates.

*rants some more*

I think there's one student in this whole classroom doing work right now,a nd it's not me.

Oops, my bad, two.

Props to Rae and Libni.

I'm gonna stop ranting and try to type out this freakin' essay right now.

URGH GEEZE.
Sorry dude. Cussing all over the place and being all gangsta does not make you cool. Go back to not here please.

OMGHEROES

2008-12-16T15:16:00.000-08:00

I feel compelled to put a short warning here.
This is going to contain spoilers from the ending of season 3 of Heroes (which I just saw).
If you watch the show but haven't seen the finale yet, don't read.
Just don't want to ruin it for you.

Gah! How exciting!
A lot of things that I did want to happen, did.
I did want Arthur dead. I did want Peter to get his powers back. I did want Knox dead. So all that was well and good.
I kind of expected the Marine character (Scott) introduced in the previous episode to die, because the new people always die, but I didn't want him to, I liked him. But oh well, his neck got snapped, it's happened before.
And of course, it's not for SURE that Arthur is dead. Unfortunately. Because he had taken that one guy's power which was essentially immortality.

I really did like the last episode a lot though, it had a thriller/horror movie feel to it, with Sylar chasing everyone around in a building. I honestly expected Angela to die, but she didn't. Hmm. Well, maybe Sylar's dead for good now, that would be nice.

I... guess that's really all I have to say on it. I'm kind of bummed the formula is gone, even though I know the future it led to was bad.

3 blogs?!

2008-12-14T21:36:00.000-08:00

Well yes.
I am technically doing 3 blogs now.
Or I have been for some weeks now, just never mentioned it.

Ever heard of tumblr?
It's like blogging reduced to the most extreme simplicity.
Now, my third blog on tumblr, isn't a blog per se. Whenever I BLOG, it will be here. Whenever I blog on dreaming, it's still on wordpress.

I'm basically using tumblr as a feed collector of sorts. Anytime I upload photos to flickr, like something on digg (http://digg.com sort of a news/media site) or post a blog post on here, it gets updated on tumblr. If you read my blog via RSS feed, I'd recommend unsubscribe to here, and subscribe to there. You can see my photography, might find some cool links I put on there, and you'll still get notified when I update this blog.

So go check it.

http://sethrader.tumblr.com

Crud

2008-12-13T15:20:00.000-08:00

Well I'm essentially grounded.
Wasn't TOLD I was but I'm restricted from most things people are restricted from when they're grounded.

I really don't feel like typing out the details, suffice to say it's my fault because I told a lie.

But DANGIT I'm pissed, and kind of depressed too.

I really wish people would stop trying to make me care, because I DO care, really. But when I'm PUSHED to care more, I just want to fight it and stop caring.

And today, I realized I have another phobia besides statues and the dark and other people being near heights.

I kind of want to send it in to postsecret (http://postsecret.blogspot.com for those of you not in the know) but I had another idea for a postsecret and I probably won't get around to making either of the postcards.

I guess I just want to tell someone the secret but not everyone.

So obviously not going to post it here.

I hate it when you have such a smashing good week and then something takes a dump on it.

I hate how you can never really run from anything in life.

I hate how these mature and immature sides of me are bickering.

Immature side: I just want to run.

Mature side: But you can't. Even adults try that, it never works. Not enough to the point where it's worth it.

Immature side: It's not my fault.

Mature side: It's totally your fault and you know it stupid.

Immature side: I hate this.

Mature side: It'll pass.

Immature side:

Mature side:

Haha. Nerd joke.
Ugh that was so lame.
Someone please make me not do that again.

You know, this post really isn't honest enough.
If I was honest enough to write down EXACTLY what I was thinking, this post would be rated R for strong language and I'd be in even MORE trouble.

If my mom read this I might even get in trouble because I said "pissed."

I feel like writing a song, except I was just recently shown by God what an utter lack of passion I have for music despite my ability to play bass guitar and piano so that's a no go.

But I want to express what I feel right now, and I can't do that with one image. (Could, actually. If I wanted to go use GIMP and Aviary or other image editing software but I can't really be bothered to do that right now).

And I don't like making films. And I don't like attempting to compose music when there's other people in the house. And I don't really care to write stories anymore either.

Rant rant rant rant rant, and it's a day earlier than Sunday. Hmm.

Well today I went for a walk after pretty much falling into the "I'm just a pile of crap I suck emo" mode in the late morning, and I went from my house to Allied Gardens which isn't SUPER long but it's long enough so that it's about a 5 minute drive. And it's uphill towards the end. (Well downhill if I had gone the other way on Margerum street.)

Hold on, I'll google it.

...

2.7 miles.

I walked 2.7 miles in the wind/sometimes rain.
I'd say cool except I only did it because of a not cool reason.

I pretty much went to the library and then the park to swing for a bit and then the library again and then my friend from school Mary Lou was there which was awesome because I got a chance to rant a bit except it obviously didn't take because here I am typing up this blog post and just going on and on and on about things that I'll probably have forgotten about/won't matter in like five months.

...

x__x

Vanishings

2008-12-13T09:17:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I pretty much poofed from the internet after Monday night.

You might have wondered where I went, after all, no Twitter updates for more than 6 hours is generally a cause for "where the heck is seth, I've looked all over the internets for him, no seth."

Well, I was pretty much either reading, or playing video games.
Because I decided to fast from the internet.

As in, give up the internet from Monday night until today (saturday). Why?

Just something I felt like God wanted me to do.
And honestly, it was quite rad...i..cal.
Radical.
I was going to say rad than decided that I wanted radical so it came out like that, or it would have if I was speaking to you in real life but this is a blogpost so ANYWAY..

Tuesday group = epic win this week.
I felt a bit bad for being the only person that did highs and lows.
But because I was fasting from the internet and reading this book on heaven..
And because I mentioned that at Tuesday group..
Oh man that just kicked us off.
Kicked.
Us.
Off.

We started talking about heaven, and from there it went all over the place but it was just so exciting!
I love heaven. Even the subject of it.
So all in all, I was just definitely feeling like God was talking to me that night, which was VERY GOOD because I had missed him so much.

Because, what had happened, was two weeks ago I missed/had to miss prayer group, then tuesday group, then wednesday small groups for one reason or another. Then the NEXT week I threw up on Monday (first time in over a year, not very fun at ALL) so I had to miss prayer group, then tuesday group, then small groups AGAIN. And I hadn't been to church the previous sunday because I was at Forest Home, so I was REALLY. REALLY. REALLY missing God.

But now, everything feels really rad...ical.

BLACK AND WHITE BALL YOU GUYS

It was great. So great.
Phantom Tollbooth was amazing.
I was happy because they'd taken a song title idea I had (The Bride Versus Everyone Else) and it was just a REALLY amazing song. It was so cool.

And ISAAC IMPROV.
I am like a fanboy or something now.
Two years in a row we've had them, both times I laughed until I was crying and couldn't breathe.

It felt like they didn't do as much/had a shorter time for their routine this year, which was too bad.
But it was still so cool seeing them again.

Okay, this is the second blogpost I've written today already (and it's not even 9:30 yet) and I'm getting kind of tired of typing so check ya later. Or see ya. Something like that.

(oh other blog if you didn't know is just kind of a dream journal of mine, it's at Wordpress. Sethrader.wordpress.com)

An exception

2008-12-07T21:24:00.000-08:00

Remember my paranoia of statues?
I mean besides Brian. I know he remembers.

But I found out I'm not scared of ALL sculptures.

When I was at Forest Home a week ago, there were these giant bear wood statues holding "welcome" type generic signs, and later on I walked by them...

Didn't get the slightest bit apprehensive.

Never felt compelled to look at them to make sure they weren't watching me back or something.

So I guess I'm immune to wood statues? Or at least wooden bear statues.

Note to people who plan on kidnapping me and locking me in a dark schoolroom with flickering lights and statues all over the place and creepy noises, don't use wooden statues.

I'm terrified of metal statues.

Oh and.
At church today in the back supply room of upstairs there was this joseph manger piece thing, like two feet tall.
And that was freaking me out. What the heck.
I wanted to kick it before it could do anything.
And it's just this plastic thing probably weighs not even two pounds.
But I wanted to kick it so bad.

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

2008-11-26T16:44:00.000-08:00

finally

finally

FINALLY

Got an appointment with the DMV.
For my license test.
Hopefully I will pass.
On the 26th.

(I've been trying to get an appointment for MONTHS. Wouldn't let me over phone or internet. So stupid)

So the DMV still sucks but I've beaten the system for now.

Hahahaha.
Stupid DMV.

Super Happy Joy Time

2008-11-24T14:54:00.000-08:00

...Not.
As in, not what the title is.
Just.... stuff.

I pretty much have to go to Forest Home this weekend, because family vacation. I was kind of excited because 1) photography 2) parents said I could take a friend. Well, unfortunately, I really only wanted to take two people, both of which can't come.

So while I'm excited for photography I just kind of don't want to be in a car for two hours up, two hours back, in a mountain with no internet for a weekend, with none of my friends.

And another sucky thing, jobs. Jobs jobs jobs.
My boss at my current job told me I'm getting laid off February 1st. Very decent of him to give me 3 and a half months warning, and I'd been at this job for like, two years now so I was getting kind of sick of it anyway. So point is, I was kind of happy to hear that I was going to get out of there.

Bad news. Mom saw this as the PERFECT opportunity to have Round 2 of apply to 102 different places including Seaworld, Keils, and Windmill Farms in hopes that one of them calls back and eventually hires me.
Which.. I don't know. I don't really want to do.
I was kind of looking forward to having my weekends off for the first freakin' time in years.

By kind of, I mean I was really really looking forward.

So I'm just kind of ticked. The only thing I'd really want to do at any of those places is custodial work anyway. I hate talking to customers.

So I wouldn't want to sell anything, or be a cashier, etc.

And just GAH.
I wouldn't want a job unless I could drive myself there. I don't want to rely on anyone else for a ride there.

But asdfghjkling DMV.
The DMV sucks.
It just sucks.

I guess that's all I have to rant about for right now.

Man.

All days need to be like yesterday + this morning.

Worst Mood

2008-11-19T16:30:00.000-08:00

I am in such a foul mood today.
I don't know why, just every little thing annoys me. I feel really over-critical of everything. I was even just listening to my iPod, criticizing the artists in my head. I nearly told a classmate off just because he was sitting in my chair, I was getting pissed off at my friend who was just trying to start conversation, etc etc.
I almost don't want to go to small groups tonight, not because I think it'll make things worse, but because that would involve being social and I don't really feel like talking to anybody right now.
Just.. such a bad mood.
I'll probably end up going to small groups anyway though, just because it's routine..

Dream Blog

2008-11-17T10:50:00.000-08:00

I made a wordpress account awhile ago, in case I ever wanted to start blogging there instead of blogspot. (Advantages, more control over everything. Disadvantages, harder to figure out). But I decided I kind of liked blogspot. So here's what I decided to do. I'm going to keep my regular blog here, rants, thoughts, etc. But on wordpress, I'm blogging about dreams. I always like talking about dreams and what happened, etc. They're just extremely interesting to me. So I present my second blog, Everflow. (I have dibs on that as a band name by the way). My dream journal, where I'll write down dreams I remember, and what happened, blah blah blah. Link: http://sethrader.wordpress.com/

Enjoy reading about my insane subconscious imagination.

Paranoid

2008-11-14T13:12:00.000-08:00

I've got a couple irrational fears.
(did I blog about this already? I feel like I did.)
If you didn't know, irrational is like, you don't have any reason to be scared of it. Like if you're scared of heights, that's a rational fear because if you fall, you will die. An irrational fear would be like, scared of leafs. What would a leaf ever do to you? Land on your head? So anyway, here are all of my irrational fears:

1) The Dark. I'm sure a lot of people are scared of the dark, but it might be a bit different for me. I'm not really scared of the absence of light as much as I'm scared of what I imagine to be in the dark. If I'm with friends that lessens the fear a bit, but I'm just paranoid that there's something there.

2) Statues. Yes. Statues. I don't know why, but I will NOT get within six feet of one. They just scare the crap out of me. Man, woman, animal statues, they're all scary. Statues of men are the most scary, followed by women, large animals, children, and small animals. At mission trails, the nature park near my house, they've got a statue of a rat. I'm not really scared of it, but I get kind of unsettled. I'm just... terrified they're going to move. Even if it DID move, I doubt it would be out to kill me or whatever, but I just can't stand getting near them. If you ever lock me in a room with statues... (especially ones made of metal, those are the worst) that would be my worst nightmare. Actually, no. My worst nightmare is an abandoned hallway with lots of turns that's very dimly lit, enough so I can see my way around but dark enough to where I couldn't see anyone else. The lights flicker and go out every once in awhile. All the doors are locked so I can't get out, and there's just... statues everywhere. Metal statues, of various men. All at least one head taller than me. And um, I guess just to make it more creepy, weird noises coming from everywhere. Like creaks and stuff.

3) Losing my things. I'm constantly paranoid that I've left something somewhere, or it's going to fall out of my pocket, whatever. I don't know, it could be something easily replaceable, but I try really really hard to keep track of all my things while I'm out and about. I'm terrified of losing them, even though they're just... stuff.

4) Other people, near heights.

That is my nightmare.
I'm a bit nervous myself near them.
But other people, it's just like....
"HOLYCRAPGETAWAYYOUREGONNAFALL"
something like that.

Technology Gadgets

2008-11-05T11:58:00.000-08:00

So lately, I have been thinking. About materialistic things I want.
And then I realized that that's kind of dumb being so materialistic, because God is way better than material stuff.
So the need was forced down to a want.
But I don't know, I still kind of want several things:
1) iPhone. Being the twitter addict I am...
2) iTrip. I'd love to listen to my iPod in the car. And of course, having a 4gig right now, I would also want
3) A bigger iPod. It's not a need yet, but eventually I will get more music than a 4gig iPod can hold
4) A macbook. I kind of want to force myself to get used to macs, as they are widely used by graphic designers as a whole and here I am on a dell.

So that is my technological materialistic wish list.
Dear Santa, hope you made a lot of money this year..

Stupid

2008-11-01T22:23:00.001-07:00

Just stupid.
Long story made short:
Girl I know shared her first kiss with a guy (in the school library of all places) and guy ends up in juvie hall because he brought illegal drugs to school (I think to sell, all I've heard is rumours though. But I do know he had drugs). Girl is rather heartbroken because she still cares about guy even though she doesn't want to.

I don't know.
Stuff like that makes me wonder why people bother dating in high school.
I feel a bit bad too because I saw them getting close, and the guy who happened to be in my class (which, at my school, means I knew him pretty well, as I happen to spend a good chunk of school time with people in my class but anyway) guy who happened to be in my class is kind of a douche. Which sounds really bad coming from "Everybody Matters". So I guess I should say, "he matters but he's had a really rough life and hasn't made the best decisions himself."

So I could have said something to girl.
But didn't.
I'm not going blaming it all on myself however.

Anyway on to next topic..
Six flags!
Yeess!!!
Less than a week until I go to six flags.
It's a homeschool day, but my brother and I kind of go anyway (shhh) and basically the lines are 20 minutes max all day, lots of funtimes, yeeha, etc.
I love rollercoasters.
I really do.

I guess I shall end this blog here.

zzoooommmm

2008-10-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

I can has haircut.
I like it. Kind of think it'd be interesting to try different colors or something but I'm probably not that brave.

Anyway, the point of the blog post.
So last night, I was hurting a little bit, nothing bad just kind of dazed and crazed and racing thoughts. So I was just talking to God, but not doing a very good job of it, my thoughts kept running around at hyper speed, I'd get side-tracked, forget I was even talking to him, apologize, and start over. It was just kind of insane. And so the stuff that I was trying to talk to him about, I was just kind of asking him "What do you want me to DO, God?" and I'd try to listen but I'd say it was 99% impossible for me. I just couldn't still my thoughts, clear my mind, get that song out of my head, just listen to Him.. it kind of sucked.
I hate it when I can't stop my thoughts. I think a lot, but normally at a decent pace.
I think maybe I just had too much sugar that day.
Darn speedy thoughts.

Lemon Grove

2008-10-23T17:56:00.000-07:00

So, after having to go to Lemon Grove to get a single piece of paper so I can take my license test, I have a couple statements to make.
1) No one knows where Lemon Grove is, except the people who live in Lemon Grove. It's kind of hard to find.
2) Lemon Grove is annoying. Why is it even in San Diego? It should be replaced by something cooler.
3) I do not like Lemon Grove

Sorry if anyone in Lemon Grove reads this, but I have had nothing but bad experiences in your county.

An Update

2008-10-19T21:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated this blog in awhile.
So here's an update.

Today was just kind of sucky.
Part of it was my attitude about stuff, and part of it was it just sucked.

I have been feeling really left out and missing my encounter friends.

And I really have to let this out, no offense to anyone who's a part of it, but basically a lot of people in Encounter who're musically inclined decided they'd make a band, with like nine members.

And I wasn't invited.

I know I don't have to be invited to be a part of everything, but it still kind of hurt to be purposefully left out.

And now on sundays I'll like ask people if they want to hang out and they'll be like "well I'm either going to stay here for band practice or just go home." and I'm like well dang, that's great, I don't get to hang out with my friends either way.

Being excluded really really sucks.

I don't even think I really would like to be in the band that much.
I'd just like to be included.

And that just made me realize how much more often I need to ask people how they're doing, but ask it like "no, really, how's your day going?" and not just take "fine" for an answer.

Because sometimes I really wish people would ask me that.

..Still no sign of license in sight by the way.
My mom told me if I brushed my teeth, flossed, washed my face, then used this astringent on my face, THEN used zit cream, for six weeks, we'd talk about my license.
Joy.
I guess I should be glad she's not making me do all that, AND use the water pick AND use the sonicare (electric vibrating toothbrush) AND making me use the fluoride rinse.
But just so many things happen throughout the day where I just want to get in my car and drive to mount helix or somewhere with a nice view that's quiet so I can think and be alone and away from everything else.

Next topic of rant:
saying "you can tell me anything." or "feel free to vent on me" etc.
So many people say that.
But in my opinion you shouldn't say someone can talk to you.
Because you should demonstrate that by your actions, they should feel just fine opening up to you and baring their soul because they've seen who you are, not what you say.
Blagh.
It just feels so cliche to say that.
I hate cliches so much
It makes things awkward at my school.
I feel like everything there is just one giant cliche.
Been there, seen that.
It's so different at church. It's real. No stupid statements. No quotes thrown all over the place (except the Bible which is definitely not cliche). No inspirational crap that always makes me feel more cynical. Just people, maybe not baring their souls, but wearing no masks either.
That's pretty much why my headline/quote on myspace is "quotes are overrated".

Hmm, what else to rant about.

Not much I guess.

I've been looking to sell my current laptop to a friend so I can buy my friend's macbook.
I could probably buy his laptop right now but I want to get rid of this one first.

Man, I wish OGN was right now.
I want like all my favorite worship songs, and dancing while I sing them.
And the intimacy of the whole experience.
It's no wonder I feel about 900 times closer to my church friends than school friends.

Permit

2008-10-05T18:36:00.000-07:00

I have officially had my permit for six months.
I can now test for my license.
Or I could, rather.

Parents don't feel I'm quite ready, and they also aren't looking forward to insurance.

*insert dejected face here*

I want to be able to drive myself places already!!
I want to stay at Tuesday group without worrying about my parents waiting impatiently outside!
I want to stay at church as long as I want to!
Blehhhhhhhh.

Flickr

2008-10-04T09:52:00.000-07:00

Flickr is sort of a photography community site, made by Yahoo.
I've had an account for awhile now, but never used it, since I used deviantart.
I recently started trying to use it again, and I found out that since my parents have Yahoo as their ISP, I get a subscription to Flickr Pro for free, which is pretty sweet.

So anyway, here's my "photostream" on Flickr.
http://flickr.com/photos/sethrader/

Sin and Hatred

2008-10-03T19:27:00.000-07:00

It has recently come to my attention, after reading "Adam" by Ted Dekker how much I should hate sin. And I don't.

I'm in this kind of tolerance mode I guess.
People cuss all around me, and I don't really say anything.
Just... stuff happens, and I'm not offended by it.
I think I should be.

I definitely hate Satan, and I definitely love God.

But I don't hate sin.

Sometimes I even want to sin.
Which is basically saying I want to hurt God.
Which is bad, because I love God.

This Heat

2008-10-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of done with it.

I'm ready for some colder weather.

I'm ready for Christmas, actually!

Cookies, and hot chocolate, and decorations, and lights, and funtimes...

I want to be able to wear hoodies and stuff.

So hot...

OH YEAH! AND!

I got some inspiration for writing stuff last night. Haven't had anything solid for awhile.

So I'm happy.
I don't know if I'll write it out or not

But I'm still happy.

A bit of the list

2008-09-29T17:16:00.000-07:00

So first Summer does this thing where she made a list of the things she wants in a guy.
Same day, minutes after I read the post, my friend comes up to me at school, saying for an assignment in her college class she needs to ask me 5 things I want in a person, at least one has to be physical. So, I figured I might as well make small list myself. Here goes:

1) Creative. If I take a picture, make a graphic, write a song, I want her to able to critique me, and appreciate it as well. I also would want to be able to play and write music together.

2) I want her to be so beautiful on the inside that the outside looks really don't matter. The smaller crushes I've had, were always because the girl had this great personality, that made me not care about their outside looks. I mean, if she's a good looker.. probably added plus, but I'd rather be wholly attracted to someone because of their interior.

3) ..This will sound a bit racist, but I honestly prefer other Caucasian females.

4) Internet geek. I quite frankly spend a lot of time in the online world, it would be so cool if she was on twitter, etc as well.

5) Christian. I guess that should be obvious, but that isn't a preference, it's a requirement.

6) Not just Christian, but someone I could talk to about God stuff very easily. Like, I'd want to be able to say "Oh my gosh! God just waved at me!!" and she'd know exactly what I meant, and be kind of like... happy with me.

7) A little more of an extrovert than I am. I'd like someone who knows what it's like to feel introverted, but is a little more outgoing than I am. But not like... all over the place.

8) Would be fine with what I want to name my first kid, if he's a boy. I really really have a specific name I want. And agreement with other names would be good too.

9) Would be fine with not kissing me until the pastor says "you may kiss the bride". Like, saving the kiss for wedding day.

10) Very.. imaginative. Like, I could let her into my fantasy world.

Well, that's 10 items. I'm done.
That was kind of fun I guess.

Sunday Afternoons

2008-09-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

I officially hate Sunday afternoons.

They just make me feel sick.

School's always the next day.

I can never seem to hang out with people after church on sunday, because my parents leave at like 12:30 which is before any of my friends know what they're doing that afternoon.

And after church everything's just.. blah.

God just waved to me by the way.
He's done that like twice this weekend now.

If you don't really know what I'm talking about, it's when I see something, never more than two seconds long, usually not even one, but it's something so visually different from everything else I normally see all day, that I think "oh hey, that must be God."

Like just now these two birds flew past, and they had this really beautiful green and yellow underside, but they were brown and plain on top.

And yesterday I was driving.. I think it was on Navajo right next to the 125 and I was at a red light or something and I looked up and there was this maple leaf in mid-air, but it wasn't falling it was kind of.. not really hovering, more just like floating on the wind, it looked like it was dancing a bit. (I think that might sound kind of stupid but it was).

Oh, and floating just made me remember.
I REALLY hope there's a place like the mountains between my house and in Santee area.

Because I'm really hopeful that we'll be able to fly in heaven.

And that would be one of my favorite places in the world to fly.

With the sun out and everything..

Anyways I think God waving just now was to tell me to cheer up and stop being mopey.

But Sunday afternoons still just suck for me. Really bad.

(I've noticed I mainly use this blog for ranting.. But this is my outlet, if you can find me a better one, go for it)

Another thing I want to rant about, is like...

I really like using my imagination.
I really do.

So yesterday when my friends are like "hey we should be superheroes" and we start talking about what our powers would be, our codenames, everything, I was really excited.

I really really really love superheroes, I just do. The x-men, spiderman, fantastic four, I love it.

But now it just kind of seems like something we did yesterday, and moving on.

The things I really like don't seem to catch on.
Some of the things I like do.
But not like really really like.

This kind of stuff makes me want a girlfriend.
Someone who'd be able to read me well.

But the only person I like is unavailable.

I want to go flying.

Bad.

Clouds

2008-09-24T10:25:00.000-07:00

After Edmund's song "Clouds" is an excellent song to have stuck in your head.

"I know you're not far away
Hello, hello. I'm not alone.
You make daylight from grey.
Hello, hello.
You’re always lifting me above the clouds."

Whoo

2008-09-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

Today's Sunday experience.

SO way better than the previous two.

It was kind of interesting though, I couldn't get as into the worship, but I got more into the message and I guess I just felt very balanced. Not entirely sure what's up with that.

You'll Come is probably my favorite song at OGN.

I had an interview with C2:8 on Saturday, that went decently. I hope I get the job.

Ummmmmm what else.....

There was something else but my mom just walked in the door and I forgot. Oh well.

Halloween

2008-09-17T21:06:00.000-07:00

This year... I'm seeing Halloween a bit differently.
Originally it was just candy and go to church for the harvest carnival deal.
Get sugared up.
Yada yada.

This year... it's like..

Like I'm seeing it on the enormous spiritual battle side.

There's so much demonic stuff going on. And it's a little scary, to me.

Like when I went to Knott's Berry Farm for my birthday last week, they already had all their skeletons and witches and stuff out.

The park was VERY empty that day, so the emptiness coupled with those decorations gave me a very eerie feeling. I deliberately prayed against Satan for this upcoming Halloween this year, just because I could feel this nastiness coming up.

It didn't ruin my day fortunately, but that's not the point.

Just something additional though, that I thought was a bit creepy, weird, and interesting..

So I was in the car on my way home from Tuesday group, and it was a full moon so I was like "Oh hey, I'll look for the man in the moon."
So I technically found him, but it wasn't like a happy face, or even a serious face that I've seen before. The eyes didn't look like eyes, they looked like holes, like in a skull. The edges were jagged, not roundish. The mouth was missing some teeth, and the expression as a whole looked rather desperate and horrified.

And it was just kind of interesting because we'd been talking a bit about the end times at tuesday group, and how everything's going to be like sin all over the place and crazy badness and stuff.

Church shatters me

2008-09-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

K I'm just going to plunge right in.

Last two weeks, I go to church. Worship happens. I get really into it, both times feel God and just generally it's funtimey.

Then message, then church is over.
And apparently sometime during the message, maybe right after church ends, I don't know, but all the joy from worship is just gone. And it's replaced with comparanoia crap and other stuff that just makes me feel like dirt.

I don't know if it's just some introverted part of me, but really all I want to do after church is go home and feel yucky.

Instead of like, inspiring me to improve myself, and helping me bond with God, it's just... not happening.

Church is like, throwing me up in the air closer to God during worship, then no one catches and I just kind of shatter on the ground.

And with the comparanoia thing, it started off when today I was just looking at people and I was just kind of like "Oh, I wish I looked more like that person." But then I realized maybe it's not that I want to look like the person, maybe it's the personality that I want.

I guess I just don't feel like much of a dude.
I don't like sports.
I don't like football, soccer, basketball, or anything.
I don't like camping, BBQ ribs, BMX, Wrestling, or going to the gym to work out.
I never feel very tough.
I have a freakin' black belt, and I'm sure I could still get my rear end kicked by a lot of people.
Basically, I feel pretty short of the 'man' line.

And I mean, really I KNOW that that's not what really defines being a dude and all. And that there's men who do ballet, blah blah.
But you try telling my emotions that, they're not listening.

And even the things I do normally like, I don't even have a passion for them the last two weeks.
I don't want to go do photography.
I don't want to play music.
I don't want to write.
I think if we had TV all I'd do besides tuesday group, small groups, and homework is just watch that. All freakin' day.
I have passion for like... one thing recently and that's Tuesday group. That's like the place I feel like I fit in, and even there not 100% of the time. But more than anywhere else. Even church.

I just had a thought, and I'm going to quote it word for word even though it's got a word I very very very rarely say.

"I want my damn license already."

I don't even think that would solve any of my personality problems.
But I'm tired of not being able to go places unless I can get a ride.

Now watch, I'll get that license.
And then I will be venting here about gas prices and insurance and all that.

Meh.

I know I'm not the only one dealing with this lack of passion thing, someone else at tuesday group has had it longer than I have.

I want that feeling to manifest physically.

So I can beat the living crap out of it with some blunt object.

Maybe a stick.

Hey other Encounter peeps

2008-09-12T13:12:00.000-07:00

I notice a lot of other people in Encounter singing up for/making blogs.
Cool.

But you should get a bloglines account too.
It's a lot easier to follow multiple blogs then.
I'm following 37 different blogs/feeds myself.
So I find it really useful.

Just letting you know.

Hmmm, and I just realized I have no idea who's actually subscribed to this thing besides Brian and I think Todd.

Keys and Politics

2008-09-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

I've been asked by more than a couple people if/when I'm going to start up the keys in the worship band again.

And here's the deal, completely honest, all my feelings about it.

Last time, I didn't really feel like I was adding to the worship a lot. Sure, some extra noise, but it was just chords. And I'm not very good at writing music at all, let alone piano parts. So it's not like I could've just improved something to add to it.

It's also very very difficult to get into the worship, when I have to focus on hitting all the right notes. I don't really like playing, because then I can never get into the worship. I'm too focused on not screwing up.

Finally, last year was kind of stressful with school, small groups, tuesday group, production team meetings, karate, and band practice (until I stepped down). This year I'm starting off with just tuesday group, small groups, and karate (although karate will hopefully be done soon) and then building up if I feel like I'm free.

I'm not taking Spanish class this year which was the root of my stress at school, but I still don't want to just flood my schedule again.

So basically, if I'm going to do keys again, first off we'd need another keyboard since David took his home. Then, I'd need some MAJOR pushing from God to do it, because I'm not very confident about doing it. Third, I'd want to play some actual piano parts, not just chords. Maybe I could take a music composition class to help with that, I don't know.

And now, for the second topic of this blog post: politics!
But this isn't a typical political post.

I just feel like this presidential election, there's kind of this.. tension. Like people are being too divided over McCain/Obama. And then there's still the people who're hardcore for Hillary. I'm practically apathetic, only leaning towards McCain a little bit because I'm not buying all this crap about change from Obama. But I think people need to calm down. There's a way to express your opinion, WITHOUT blasting down the other side. I see things on the internet, icons, status messages, and more, that aren't just promoting one side or the other, they're bashing the other side. It's like a war only no one's dying.

I just think it's getting stupid.

Oh and really?

SHUT UP ABOUT SARAH PALIN.
Not that you the reader won't shut up about her.
But like, I'm yelling at the rest of the world.
Seriously, just shut up.
It's annoying.
I don't care.

*shameless self promotion of my photography*
http://sethr.deviantart.com/portfolio/
Seriously, check it out?
Because that would be cool.

Talking to Dad

2008-09-08T18:20:00.000-07:00

So I talked to my dad about some of the things I ranted about in my previous post.
And it went okay I guess.

Seems like he might be bending a little on the karate side, although it's not going to end as soon as I would like.

And he guessed the name of the girl I like.

Which took me off guard a little bit.

Didn't know he was that observant.

Well, that's my update.
So long.

Basically just a rant post

2008-09-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

First off, new worship song today in church.
It really was fantastic. I felt close to God, and I wasn't about to cry but I was getting there. If we'd played another worship song and I had worshipped my heart out I would've cried. It was basically close to OGN, and anything even close to OGN wins.

But then church was over and a lot of people were leaving. I was getting a ride home with mom who was going to wal-mart first so I decided I'd just hang out around Encounter with some of the people left there, they were doing band practice or something.

And I swear, Satan was so trying to attack me really bad. In church. Just like... I started realizing how I'm not really using any musical talent at all right now... I know God's given me a little bit, but like..

I want to learn to play guitar and all that, but at the same time I don't. I guess I want to know how to play, not learn how to play. And my parents don't want me to quit karate, so we take that on mondays and thursdays, tuesday group, and small groups on wednesdays, my week is already QUITE full enough without the addition of guitar lessons anyways.

But.. I kind of really wish I was doing something musical again. I feel really stupid and out of place when other people are playing music around me (aside from worship) and it's like... I can't do that. I don't even try anymore. And then I'm mad at myself for NOT trying, which gets me more down.

So I'm just kind of sitting there staring off into space, feeling increasingly bad. And stupid, and sucky, and like I don't matter (which is MORE stupid because we JUST talked about how everybody matters). And I'm totally playing the comparanoia game, which is probably the dumbest thing ever.

And some part of me was like "I really should talk to God about this" and at the same time, another part of me was saying "No, just dwell in the pain for a bit, don't talk to God about it."

Well.

I don't know about you, but to me, when I feel like not talking to God, that is BAD.

I kind of really wanted someone to just come over and ask me what's up, but I don't think anyone noticed.
It's not really their faults though, I just don't show negative emotions very well.
But I really wish someone had.

Because there's like... things I kind of want to tell people about. Things that I would not tell just anyone. And I had kind of thought I knew who that was and I was going to tell them at Tuesday group but it just didn't happen. I felt a bit betrayed at that, I guess. I mean, I had told the person I wanted to talk to them at Tuesday group on Sunday. I just kind of want someone to tell things to. Alot of people are like "you can come to me" and I could, but I won't. I honestly just wouldn't feel comfortable opening to just anyone. Even some tuesday group people, I wouldn't. Same with mom and dad, they tell me I can tell them anything and I probably could and it would be fine, but they're my parents, not peers. And that, fortunately AND unfortunately, is all the difference in the world.

(this could probably just be marked as typical angsty teen blog post. sorry)

Anyway, I just thought it was so stupid, I could be worshipping God so hard, almost crying joyful tears, and then crying on the inside because of despondency just 45 minutes later. I really wish I was more passionate about music. I really want some drive for music, but it's just not THERE. I don't feel like I have a huge drive for anything right now. Even photography, which is normally like, one of my favorite things to do.

Well, while I'm on the subject of ranting, birthday rant.

I really don't know what I want to do.
I originally said I wanted to go to Knott's Berry Farm with just me and a friend, then I thought maybe Disneyland so another friend could come along, and now it's just getting so complicated, I don't even want to DO anything because it's becoming too difficult to sort out what I want to do, I don't even know what the crap I want to do anymore.
I don't really want much for my birthday either, just a shirt and this one book, and like... my license, but that won't happen yet. Birthdays suck. I can't really say that with as much emphasis, but they really suck.
Every year it's supposed to be like a really happy celebratory day but it always just sucks.
Every single year.

Another rant: The language in my head.
I really don't let it slip alot, but in my head, I have SUCH a dirty mouth. Everything is sh*tty, it's f*** this, G*d d*mn that, all over the place. I hate it.

There's seriously like all this junk in my head, and I don't want to say it but at the same time it's really really tempting for me to do so.

The last rant could really be summed up in four words, "So there's this girl..."
But I'll give you more information.
Which, any of my peers reading this, probably want.
So there's this girl, I think I like her. I find it really hard to be myself around her.
I can be myself around just about everyone else, at school and encounter.
But around her, I don't know, I just feel VERY self-conscious and awkward.
And like, on myspace, when she posts a bulletin about oh this sucks, or oh this part of me hurts so bad right now, I REALLY want to like, just encourage her.
I really like encouraging people, but with her it's like... I just want to do it more so.
I don't know if she knows I think I like her.
Bleh, complications.

But, it's stupid to like her.
Right now, when I'm feeling semi-despondent and all that crap, is not a good time to begin a relationship. I think it was Brian who said two people should be whole with God, before trying to connect with each other. Two broken people coming together just doesn't end well, and I'm definitely not whole right now.

It just wouldn't work.
I want all the plus sides to a relationship so bad though...
I want to like... really mean something to someone.
Have people or even a person tell me something I said or did just helped them out so much.
But I don't want the heartbreak that will inevitably come out of a relationship.

Not to mention some little things about me, such as I'm not very romantic.

Just... wouldn't work.

UGH.
I just thought back to the previous part of this post.

About music and stuff.
I want to get rid of karate SO. FREAKIN'. BAD.
I'm SICK of it.
I'd really like to quit karate and start either guitar or drum lessons...
I've tried talking to my parents about it though, they really want me in karate "because that's the only exercise you get!" (My school doesn't do P.E.)

So freakin' lame...

Oh and

2008-08-27T21:56:00.001-07:00

I think God had two angels go home with me after tuesday group.
My aunt picked me up, and we'd driven a ways, talking a bit, and then I remembered Summer talking about angels in her backyard that night. I glanced into the empty back seat, I didn't literally see anything of course, but I'm still pretty sure they were there.

Because when I woke up next morning, I still felt pretty tight with God. Not quite the same high as the previous night, but still very there.

So I think that's pretty cool.

Oh and I took a couple spiritual gifts tests.
I scored very high in intercession, compassion, empathy, and mercy.
I also scored very very low in crafting, building, basically using your hands for God.

And lastly my sixteenth birthday is trying to sneak up on me.
Liiiiiiicenseeeeeeeee..

Tuesday Group Tonight

2008-08-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

It started off like any other tuesday group, with everyone going around saying their high's and lows of the week.

And then somehow we got onto the topic of having a longer tuesday group, with more study God time as well as keeping our already-in-the-schedule fellowship time.

A couple people began to trickle out, with school starting tomorrow, and all.
Eventually it got down to six, me, Summer, Julia, Spencer, Shannon, and Michael Chandler.

Then... amazingness happened.
Summer started being really open, and began crying. I started praying for angels for her, to comfort her and encourage her. Then Shannon echoed what Summer said, and she was crying a bit too, so I started praying for some angels for her too. And then we just kept talking and God was like... being fantastic.

It was the kind of joy that I normally only experience at ogn and stuff. We got to the point where we were laughing for no reason other than God was there and we could feel him, and it was just pure unfiltered love and joy.

And just.... IT. WAS. AWESOME.
Awesome doesn't describe well enough though.
If you've like, experienced God in a way that made you all trembly inside, and you want to laugh and cry and dance and sing and everything, you know what it's like.
So basically that was the most incredible thing to happen since OGN.

P.S. I might move my blog to a wordpress site. I'll post an update if I do end up moving.

Welcome Back Africa

2008-07-27T15:47:00.000-07:00

Today, was officially welcome back for all the Africa people.
It's also one of the happiest days I've had in a long time, probably since OGN. I just... REALLY realized how much these people matter to me, and me to them. And it was so awesome with all the hugs going around... Aaaasasdflkjgh.

I kind of wish you could capture this kind of joy in a bottle and release it when you're really down in the dumps.

=D

Empathy and NOTW

2008-07-24T20:09:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a semi-rant. Just to warn you. I just got back from karate, tired, sweaty, making up this post as I go along, etc. Anyway, moving on to business.

It sometimes really sucks being an empathetic guy. When my friends are pissed, happy, sad, I tend to pick up on it a lot. By "pick up on it", I mean I sort of begin to feel like they feel. I think there's a level where that just happens to everyone, but I think it's a part of my personality where I feel it a bit more. (Maybe I'm wrong though, who knows?) It really sucks when, to use a real life example, a friend at school is crying because her dad is in the hospital and sick, and I'm hurting for her, but... I don't know what to say. I'm not very good at being [i]sym[/i]pathetic. I never feel like I can help. I do offer to listen, most of the time. But usually I get no answer in response, or "Thanks but ______ is talking to me right now, (s)he is really helping." So... all I can do is pray. I want to do MORE than that though. I (think) I'd like to be the one people come to to vent on, cry on, etc, but it just doesn't seem to happen. So, hey God, what do you want me to do with this?

Next issue, today on my way home from karate, I asked my dad (entirely hypothetically, I do not want a tattoo, piercing, or anything of the sort) what he'd say if I told him I wanted a tattoo. From there, the conversation went to what the Bible says to the tattoo, and how we're supposed to be "in the world not of it." And that stuck me. Being a people pleaser, I normally just go with the flow, try not to care too much about anything, because if I care, and people don't agree with my side, then I feel bad because we don't agree. So I don't say anything, when people mention getting high, swear, etc. But my dad was saying how we need to be set aside from the rest of the world. And I don't know exactly how I feel about that On the one side, I want to serve God, love him, and follow him. On the other side, I've got people in the world, who have the power to make me feel incredibly guilty if I don't agree, or at least "tolerate" their opinions. All this stuff going around about tolerance right now... Well how much do I tolerate? I'd really rather be the apathetic person who does nothing, than the fired-up conservative who acts out against homosexuality, teens doing drugs, and more. And then also there's the really liberal side, that pretty much says "anything goes" but is horrified by the war in Iraq, or when someone commits murder. I thought anything went?... I really don't think there's a line I can draw where "tolerate this, but not this" but I'm not sure I'm even near the vague regions of what's right.

Ha. Right after I finished that sentence, my writing inspiration just kind of sputtered and died. So guess this post is over.

Portfolio

2008-07-22T15:22:00.000-07:00

I now have an actual online portfolio for my photography work. You can find it here: http://sethr.deviantart.com/portfolio/

That's certainly not all of my works, but it's some I consider my best.

OGN

2008-07-07T22:05:00.001-07:00

During my time there, I couldn't help but notice a few unsaid, but still in place, rules.

1. You may not eat something healthy for lunch.
2. You shall remain uncomfortably cold during the entire worship/evening teaching.
3. You shall not get more than six hours of sleep.
4. It is required bring food to share with your roommate, also enormously unhealthy.
5. You must break at least one said rule, whether that's curfew or skating or what.
6. You must forget your book at least once at your dorm, and make a 20 minute round trip to go get it.
7. Dancing, jumping around, etc during worship is apparently not done until the last day.
8. You WILL be moved by God, possibly shoved or something.
9. You are required to stutter at least once when trying to start a conversation with someone on the beach.
10. 4th years may have more experience than 1st years, but they're still just as terrified of walking up to people.
11. Don't think about starting conversations with people. Just actually do it.
12. Devo time is not meant to be used for sleep. But it works pretty darn well for that purpose.
13. Don't drink soda for breakfast. You can do it, but it's kind of gross really.
14. You shall wait in a ten minute line for ice cream at least once.
15. Whenever walking to or from breakfast, or that general path during the daytime, stare at the ground and try to read as many names as possible.
16. If you spot a funny name, make sure to halt your friends who were in the middle of a conversation and call them over to laugh at the name.

I could write more but it's 10:15, I've been awake since 6:00 or so, and I still have to shower, so good night people, or good morning or whenever you read this.

Plurk

2008-06-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

I know. I haven't blogged in probably a month, and the first thing I blog about is yet another social network. Here's the link, explanation and my thoughts will go beneath: http://plurk.com/redeemByURL?from_uid=12402&check=-2103795948&s=1

So here's the way it goes down. If you're familiar with Twitter, Plurk is quite similar. In some ways better, in some ways worse, but it all comes down to 140 character updates. Plurk is more centered on web however, and Twitter is all about connecting however you can; cell phone, blackberry, web, IM, whatever. All I have seen for Plurk so far is IM (Msn, Gtalk, AIM, and Yahoo!) and web. Plurk's layout is, granted, a little more confusing but I found it rather easy to adapt to. However, this is turning into a Twitter vs. Plurk, and anyone who's reading this who hasn't/doesn't use Twitter isn't really going to care about that, or have a great idea of why the Twitter vs. Plurk is pretty big amongst users of both.

So, assuming you clicked the link, you're currently looking at my profile in Plurk. Probably the first thing that catches your eye is the big window at the top with all the little text updates. These are short little "Plurks" that I send out (posting a Plurk is naturally called Plurking). Clicking a Plurk will expand the window so one can read comments on that Plurk, if there are any. You may have noticed Plurk tries to get you to speak in third person. I don't personally care for that, and usually update in first person anyway. The timeline, if you click and hold down the button, can be moved right or left to scroll through earlier Plurks. If you were a registered user and following several other people's updates, you'd be able to see their updates as well as your own in the window.

I personally am quite enjoying Plurk. It's a nice alternative to Twitter, which regularly goes down and crashes. Plurk is very stable, and although it has weird logos, a funky timeline that's completely different from Twitter, I still say the base is the same: posting short little updates often. Plurk can often end up being like having an IM conversation, actually. It's pretty cool.

So that's a quick overview of Plurk. I'd write more but ya know, school tomorrow yada yada. If you do join Plurk, make sure to visit my profile, scroll down, and in the bottom right, click the "follow" and "add friend" links.

Stress

2008-05-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

It locks me up, makes me unproductive. It makes me want to throw a "f*ck", "sh*t", or some other swear word into every other sentence. It causes pain in my head and stomach. It makes me act in ways that I wouldn't normally act.

In a few days, it'll be gone, I'll have everything under control, but when it first hits, stress sucks. "Break things down into manageable pieces"
"Just relax, God's in charge"
"Go for a walk"
"Play some music"
"Dude just calm down."
All things I'm told when I'm stressed. Unfortunately, all those things do is cure my stress temporarily, it does nothing to actually get rid of the problems that are causing the stress. The only way to really REALLY get rid of it, is to get whatever it is done. (In this case it's an essay, several spanish projects, spanish test upcoming, grades, english project, chemistry assignment, karate to keep up with, church to keep up with, and more). Not all of those things are stressful in and of themselves, but together they're pretty huge. Thank you God though, at least I don't have math to worry about right now...

What's really pissing me off right now, is Spanish though. I'm doing all the work, even did some extra credit, and I'm still riding a B+/A-. Is that a BAD grade? No. Have I been working to get and KEEP an A? Yes. Yes I have. Even last semester, I was trying to keep an A in Spanish, and at the very last second, my grade dropped to a B+. I'd checked my grade like three days before the semester ended (my spanish teacher posts the grades on the web) and I had an A-. Needless to say, I was pretty pissed.
So now, I'm looking ahead and seeing the same scenario ahead. I WANT a 4.0 But my Spanish teacher just is not making it easy for me. I can do it in every other class but Spanish.

I don't know if hate is either too strong a word, or not strong enough to describe my dislike of Spanish. But it really, really makes me angry, stressed, and more.

It's pushing me in a really bad direction. Before today, I was determined to get a 4.0 Now I'm really really tempted to just not give a piece of crap about it, and slack off on assignments for the rest of the year. I miss textbook work and worksheets....

-----WELL-NEEDED CHANGE OF SUBJECT-----

In OTHER news, I won a small contest on deviantart! (An art community website, I believe I've mentioned it before). There were only three entrants, including myself, so it was a rather smalltime deal, but I still won! And my winning has inspired me to write more, which is really cool because I like writing. Here's the link to my winning entry: http://underoathboy777.deviantart.com/art/Dragon-Gem-83107315
Hope you enjoy reading it.
I'd better get cracking on all those freaking assignments, so adios, hope your Monday is/was less stressful than mine!

Righteous Anger?

2008-05-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this site is for real, as in if this is an actual reverend, or if it's someone thinking he's cool and making fun of people who do preach against this. Either way, it makes me angry, and I think it's righteous anger.

http://www.godhatesgoths.com/index.html

I'm not pissed off, but I'm not smiling either, right now.

Look out roads

2008-04-30T21:50:00.001-07:00

That's right, you've got me to contend with. I can now legally and officially drive as long as there's an adult who's 25 or older (and has their license) in the passenger seat with me. It's... well it's actually pretty scary. Driving around little residential areas at 20, 25 mph, not really a big problem. I think what scares me more than the freeways right now though, are the main roads where I'm doing like 55 mph but it's not the freeway where all the turns are nice and smooth.

Anyway I've only been honked at once so far and haven't hit anything yet so looking good, I suppose. I drove my friend home, with my dad in the passenger seat and my dad said I did very well for a first time.

Still, every time I start driving it's like... Ugh. I don't really notice how freaked out I am until I've parked and stopped. Then I feel like a nervous wreck. (This from the person who goes 100mph at Six Flags, as well as through spirals, corkscrews, dive loops and whatnot else).

I've done it

2008-04-25T18:36:00.000-07:00

Finally. Finally, at least with one person... I've at least temporarily gotten to the point where I'm not overly concerned with what I think of them. The 'people pleaser' side is still a bit there, unfortunately, but at least I'm to the point where this person can't really verbally hurt me. I was sort of trying to make that happen, but I think God had something happen because I know it wasn't something I did. Just two days ago, when I got called gay (for what's probably the 45th time) and went through various poking, taunting, prodding about it, I just smiled a little and just said "ok, whatever."

A bit more on the people pleaser part, since Brian and I found it's a bit of something we both have to fight back against. There's still a part of me that just doesn't want this person angry at me, which is probably why my only response is to agree with him. I think this is a bit either ironic, stupid, or both, because if he can't harm me verbally, why should I care if what he says is because he's joking or because he's got an issue with me?

I think it's definitely something I need to talk to God about. I haven't been in prayer as much recently, not sure why, but I haven't. Pretty much the only time I've set aside for God has been my one-minute devo in the morning. While it usually does give me something to stew on, it's usually in the back of my mind by the time I'm through chemistry. Maybe I should bring the devo to school and read it as a reminder during lunch. Or maybe it would be better if I just did a little something right when I got home from school. Hmmm.

Writing

2008-04-23T14:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't forgotten about blogging, I swear. I actually haven't even been twittering as much. It feels like most of my time on the internet has been spent on DeviantArt (an art community website), Fur Affinity (another art community), and playing my new favorite game Audiosurf. For 10 bucks, Audiosurf is a really great game. It analyzes a song of your choice, and then creates a roller-coaster like track for it. You control a car (or cars, if you're doing two player) that travels the track (which slopes up or down, and slows down/speeds up in tempo with the music) and picks up colored blocks for points. If you get three or more of the same colored block to touch, they'll disappear and you get points. If you overflow your slots though, you lose points. This game is also tight because you can play with people all over the world! It's definitely a cool game. You can download the demo for free, which will allow you to play five songs on easy mode.

Another reason for less blogging, has been that I've been writing more. I entered a contest on DeviantArt too. (Just a smalltime one though, I'm not even sure if there's any prizes. Most contests like this one, which are hosted by other members of the community and not the administrators, offer small prizes such as a piece of art done for the winner. You usually gain some attention due to being featured in the DA equivalent of a blog which lists the entries and their creators too.) The more I write for a story, the less I feel like writing on here. There's a point where I'm all written out.

So far, I've gotten a good review of my entry. So far, there's only one other entry besides mine, although the due date for the contest isn't until the 29th. The creator of the other entry left a comment on my entry saying it was way better than his. Good vibes, from that! So, that's all I have to write about right now. I could go on a rant about school stress yada yada but it'd probably be a bit tedious to read. I'll save that rant for somewhere else.

Googlism

2008-04-16T21:23:00.000-07:00

So this person on deviantart (an art community website I am a part of) linked me to this site, "The Church of Googlism." I thought it was pretty funny, but I'll let you all decide for yourselves. Here's the link: http://www.thechurchofgoogle.org/Scripture/Proof_Google_Is_God.html

Sorry this is kind of a short post. I just don't have a lot to say I guess.

Twitter

2008-04-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

If you didn't know, I do have a twitter account. And if you didn't notice, I put a widget in the sidebar of my blog so that you can see my updates. I update my twitter far more often than I update my blog, so you'll be able to see my updates on Twitter too. If you see an update that begins with @username or something, that means I was talking to someone on Twitter though. So yeah, that's how it's going down.

Ooookayyy...

2008-04-13T22:25:00.001-07:00

I don't have any comment, just... what the heck...

Admiration

2008-04-13T16:19:00.000-07:00

So at church today, I had a fellow Encounter student tell me that I was the best friend that they had at church. (The student in case, is a freshmen which I think actually makes a much larger difference than if they were a senior, or even sophomore). While I was slightly flattered, it actually made me feel a little awkward. I'm used to looking up to people, not being looked up to. Being looked up to means I've got more responsibilities whether I want them or not. People, of course, try to be more like people they look up to. I guess I just have no idea how to deal with it. It's also a little more awkward when the specific person is not one of my most favorite (although not one of my most least) to hang around. Sometimes being a people pleaser can really, really suck. You want to keep everyone happy, even if you don't care for them that much, but it's impossible. Crap.

Annoyance

2008-04-12T08:50:00.000-07:00

So my parents want me to get a summer job, right? No big deal.. I mean that probably happens to high school teens all over the USA in the summer. Only problem is I'm going to be gone for three, maybe four weeks this summer, I don't know any place that's going to hire me for only 2/3's of the the summer.

I still have my very first job at college avenue baptist, but who knows how much longer that'll last. I wouldn't really be so annoyed, except I can't even go from here to church without my mom asking/telling me "Would you want to work at Keil's? Oh! Maybe you could work at that jack in the box on the corner! Well, what about that 7-11?" It's really, REALLY making me angry. It's almost as if she feels compelled to point out every single business to me, as if I haven't seen them before, and suggest I work there. I'm getting so irked it's very very difficult to hold my temper. I'm getting all this pressure just to get a job, and when I get too much pressure I just try and do the opposite by instinct. Ugh, this is just driving me up the wall.

Unfinished Writing

2008-04-11T14:03:00.000-07:00

UNFINISHED, ROUGH DRAFT. Keep that in mind when reading this please. Ok so in class we were handed an assignment that said to write at least 250 words on our personal philosophy of what the true nature of mankind is. Good or bad, naturally, or somewhere in between. This is what I have so far.

My philosophy on the true nature of humans in their natural state is somewhere between Hobbes’ theory and Rousseau’s. I don’t believe that humans are born inherently good or evil specifically. I think humans are born with a large amount of good in them, but with a small bit of evil present as well. In a sense I think of it as a good and pure being born with the smallest of infections. This infection multiplies and spreads as the being it’s infesting keeps moving through life, but it can be slowed, stalled, and sometimes even stopped depending on circumstances. Other conditions could speed up the illness of wickedness in man. It could anything from an abusive parent to someone who cuts this example person off on the freeway. I believe this because I believe in a God, and I believe when he originally made things, he made them good and perfect. So originally humanity was born and made with pure goodness inside of them. I also believe though, that ancestors far back in the past decided to ruin that by choosing to disobey God, and that’s where the contamination of sin entered the world. So because they had sin, of course it was passed on to their descendents. Sin was present, even during their descendant’s birth, but it did not have a large hold. So now we have babies born with goodness, love, all excellent traits in them, but they’re not perfect, they’re born with tendencies to mess up. Look at a typical teenager, no one has to teach them to be disrespectful to parents, sometimes it just comes naturally.

And there you have it.
*insert vague non-commentating noise here*

Meetings

2008-04-07T10:55:00.000-07:00

At school always have to be in OUR room, lately...
It's kind of annoying, because it means everyone has to get out and go somewhere else...
Oh well, I guess I shouldn't be complaining too much.

Dilbert, much?

2008-04-04T13:10:00.001-07:00

If this weren't so long, I wouldn't have been surprised to see this in a dilbert strip.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Happy Tears

2008-04-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

I just listened to Yellowcard's song "Life of a Salesman" for the first time while we were doing independent work in school today...

I almost started crying, even though the song isn't slow-paced at all... Here's the lyrics.

What's a dad for dad?
Tell me why I'm here dad
Whisper in my ear that I'm growing up to be a better man, dad
Everything is fine dad
Proud that you are mine dad
Cause I know I'm growing up to be a better man

Father I will always be
That same boy that stood by the sea
And watched you tower over me
Now I'm older I wanna be the same as you

What's a dad for dad?
Taught me how to stand, dad
Took me by the hand and you showed me how to be a bigger man, dad
Listen when you talk, dad
Follow where you walk, dad
And you know that I will always do the best I can
I can

Father I will always be (always be)
That same boy that stood by the sea ~(the boy that)~
watched you tower over me (over me)
Now I'm older I wanna be the same as you
The same as you

Father I will always be
That same boy that stood by the sea
And watched you tower over me
Now I'm older I wanna be the same as you

When I am a dad, dad ~(when i am a dad, dad)~
I'm gonna be a good dad ~(i'm gonna be a good dad)~
Did the best you could, dad ~(did the best you could, dad)~
Always understood, dad ~(always understood, dad)~
Taught me what was right, dad ~(taught me what was right, dad)~
Opened up my eyes, dad ~(opened up my eyes, dad)~
Glad to call you my dad ~(Glad to call you my dad)~
Thank you for my life dad

I'm going to have my dad listen to it on father's day, unless he reads this before then in which case happy early father's day dad :)

Digsby and Permit

2008-04-03T21:33:00.000-07:00

Pretty cool little application.
I can sign onto AIM, MSN, Yahoo! Instant Messenger, Gtalk, ICQ, and Jabber all at once. (I don't have the latter two and barely use the two before those though).

I can also check Twitter, Myspace, Facebook, and my email, as well as compose and send emails all from my buddy list/IM window. Very very useful.

I definitely like this. I definitely like this better than Trillian.
Now if only I could edit my blog from there... oh well.

http://www.digsby.com if you're interested.

Biggest piece of recent news:
Guess who got his learner's permit?

Yep. I was pretty nervous, but I've got it! Now I can take behind the wheel, and in October or so I'll be able to get my license... of course, I don't know if I will because of stupid insurance, but we'll see.

Anger

2008-04-02T22:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know. I can't help but get a little angry when I see stuff like this: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=120045661&blogID=371288462

I never attack atheists, or anyone who's not a Christian for their beliefs. Why do they have to go to lengths to disprove mine? So Christianity is 'illogical'. Okay, so are quite a few other beliefs. I don't even bother to comment or talk to people like that. A) I know I'm not smart enough to debate them. B) I think debating is stupid and pointless anyway. C) "Have nothing to do with foolish arguments..." I'm not sure where in the New Testament that is, but it's in there somewhere. I should probably go look that up... Hmm, maybe later. I think whoever writes that blog is definitely entitled to have an opinion that Christianity is stupid. He's entitled to that, because I think his beliefs are false too. (She?) I think the point I'm trying to get across here, is I personally believe it's wrong to attack someone's beliefs on there. The person writing posts something towards the bottom about how some people think an attack on their beliefs is an attack on them. I think this is true. Your beliefs are part of you, they define part of who you are. An attack on your beliefs, is an attack on you. It's 10:14 and I'm getting up earlier than normal tomorrow so I think I'm going to cut off there.

Try it out

2008-04-01T22:27:00.001-07:00

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Sethster

Summer has one too, just copy paste the link into your browser and replace Sethster with Sumshine. (Assuming you know Summer, if you don't, then don't.)

Kind of cool I guess.

Leetle Photomanip

2008-04-01T22:18:00.000-07:00

You can click the thumbnail, which will take you to the page where you can see the full version. This was actually pretty fun to make, I had fun with the colors and basically the idea. It's kind of interesting because this picture is sorta surreal... I don't know. Anyway it's a taste of what you'd see in my gallery on deviantart, although there's LOTS of different art in there. Now presenting:

Why do people go bananas over this...

2008-04-01T17:14:00.001-07:00

Aww, it's a dog and a baby other animal.
Guranteed to make most people go ga-ga.
Admittedly, it is kind of cute though... haha.

Wow

2008-04-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

So in the world of graphic design (for those who don't know this) there's people who upload what's called "stock" photos. It's basically an image of whatever, from a rock to a tree to a bathroom, that you can manipulate and use in pretty much whatever way you'd like. There's usually a couple rules like "please give me credit" or whatever, but generally these people are very kind, generous, etc.

Stock photos are by rule, generally very poor images though. They might be bad quality, or contain bad cropping, because it's just a bare image. This is because you, the graphic artist are supposed to manipulate this and turn it into some fantastic piece of artwork, the stocker is just giving you a picture (or pictures) to use.

This photo, was an exception:

Wow. This was taken from soleildenuit2 on deviantart, incidentally. This person's whole gallery of stock images were all incredible. Pretty cool, I thought.

Dissapointment and more

2008-03-31T18:02:00.000-07:00

Today was an off day. Not like one of those days were nothing can go right. This was more like one of those days where you just generally feel bad all day and nothing really seems to permanently change that. I'm not overly depressed or anything I just... don't feel good. Almost like my soul or my mind is feeling sick. I'm not entirely sure what it could be. Teenage hormones, probably. There's a little tension between me and a classmate, that could be it as well. The bright side of today was a I picked up a blank t-shirt image off the web and I'm trying my hand at designing a shirt. Let's hope that goes well.

Lately too, I've been spending a little more time in my personal fantasy land. Escape from reality, I suppose. God says we're supposed to be content with what we have, because he'll never leave us or forsake us. (Hebrews... 3:5?) But I'm sure at least 99.99% of us on this planet dream of something bigger or grander in there lives. It could be anything from more cash, to three meals a day for once. I myself am no different. I don't think it's possible to argue that those dreams don't exist in reality though. We think of them while at least physically we're in reality. We might remember those, while in reality. Thus, the thoughts at least exist in reality. I've been wishing lately, that it had a grander part in reality. If I could control my dreams, or at least have some dream fufilled while I'm sleeping at night, that would be... amazing. I get to experience it, even if it is only REM sleep. My online friend Al was telling me recently about how one of his fictional characters kept appearing in his dreams... I honestly envy him. I have a couple fictional characters of my own, and I can only wish they'd appear in my dreams. I'm one of those people who can just NEVER control their dreams at all, it's completely up to my subconscious to pick what happens. Thus, I've only ever seen one of my fictional characters, or heck even had something related to my personal dream world a couple times. I suppose I could pray that I'd have such dreams more often. God could answer yes, but he could also answer no, or even wait. Lucid dreaming... I wish I had the ability to lucid dream practically every day... And I'm dissappointed every night when I can't control my dream at all, or I try and take control and accidentally wake myself up...
And that's all I have to say for now, but I don't know how to end this blog post so BLAHHHH.

Guilt

2008-03-31T09:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder what the heck God was thinking when he planned this part of my personality. It is SO easy to make me feel guilty. Lots of people don't even try, but I feel guilty about one thing or another just looking at them. It's hard to let go of mistakes I've made in the past, for me. I don't want to remember, but something inside is holding on to them and not letting go. Well, if God planned this part of me, there's a reason for it. However, I've got to find that out first. Not to mention figuring out how to deal with it...

Realizations

2008-03-30T17:23:00.000-07:00

So I decided to re-write my About Me on myspace today. I started with a couple sentences, then those led to another, and it just kept going until I had a bunch of stuff there. It's all stuff I've either come to realize about me recently, or have always known, or whatever. It just started pouring from my brain through my fingers, onto the keyboard. I guess it was kind of nice to dump it all in one place. So here it is, the about me.

I'm the kind of person who hates wearing jeans. I will take everything you say literally, at least at first. My body language will probably tell a lot more than my face. Sometimes I want to be invisible and noticed at the same time. I wish I had superpowers. I hate this whole "gangsta" culture that's out there. People who take pretty much anything to the extreme annoy me. (Except taking pure worship to God to the extreme, there is nothing bad about that at all). Fundamentalists make me really angry. I imagine a lot of stuff. I can't write a song to save my life, unless it comes to me randomly and I remember it. I'm an introvert. Which, if you don't know what that is, basically means I like being by myself and being around people too long makes me cranky and irritable. I'm okay at Photoshop. I rarely have the patience to see anything through and give up stuff midway through a lot. I normally take the path of least resistance, unless the resistance is peer pressure in which case I fight back with everything I've got. Why, I don't know. I try not to cuss. I often get a label of goody-two-shoes, teacher's pet, or suck-up. Sue me. (Not literally). Portal = epic win. Don't force your opinions on me, and I won't force mine on you, deal? More than once a day I wish I could just go live in my own little imaginary world. Sometimes I zone out and I'm there, but it never lasts long. Reality can suck, I wish heaven would come soon. Oh yeah, I'm a Christian. If you're atheist or whatever, ok. We can still get along. I'm not going to preach at you, and I'm not going to tell you you're going to hell. I've never kissed anyone on the lips yet which I think is actually kind of cool. I hope I don't until my wedding day. I have a black belt. I like karate. I hate sports. I should underline that hate but I'm too lazy to go back and type in the HTML tags. I'll play volleyball, basketball, that's about it. I'm just not that physical of a person, despite doing karate. I don't play Halo, it makes me frustrated. I don't play WoW. I kind of wish I played City of Heroes but I don't want to pay. I used to play Runescape. I used to play Neopets. I used to roleplay. I'm putting random facts on here now, if you can't tell. I love Homestarrunner. I love the X-men, Fantastic Four, Hulk, and basically Marvel Comics. I've made up a couple of my own characters, as well as short stories. I've written a short Saw story. I've never seen the Saw movies, I'm not a horror/gore fan. I want to write more, but it's getting harder of thinking of stuff now. I like LOLcats. (http://icanhascheezbrger.com). I like PostSecret. (http://postsecret.blogspot.com). I want to go to AnthroCon. I think I'm done for now.

50th post

2008-03-30T15:07:00.000-07:00

Yep.
50 posts, that's pretty much a minimum of 50 paragraphs of just stuff I've shared with whoever reads this. (All one of you I guess.)
So I took this from Bryce's blog. I think it is just... amazing. Perfectly, simply, amazing. I can only hope God works through me like that. (Okay, I can only hope and PRAY).
If you're a fellow Christian, I advise you pray that God will speak to you by reading this.
If not, well then.. I'm not sure what to say. If Christianity offends you, probably just not a good idea to read...

The Vision

So this guy comes up to me and says "what’s the vision? What’s the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this…
The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.

You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn’t even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision ?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers

choose to loose
that they might one day win
the great ’Well done’ of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don’t need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.

Young people who beat their bodies into submission.

Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive

inside.

On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,

they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.
Don’t you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdo’s! Summon the losers and the freaks. Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes. They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God. My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great ’Amen!’ from countless angels, from hero’s of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.

Simply, AMAZING.
I love this.
This needs to be preserved forever.
Posted on the walls of churches.
Maybe not screamed from rooftops.
But it needs to be spread!

Frustration

2008-03-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

I don't want to hurt anyone.
I'm tired of feeling hurt.
I don't want drama or tension.
Too late.
This is a short post, mini rant, and a plea for help all in one.
I'm supposed to forgive "70 times 70" (I think that's right?) according to the Bible. I'm nowhere close to even 100 yet, and I'm still trying to forgive and let it go.
It's a little hard, when I forgive, and then something else pops up just a few days later.
Forgiving is easier when the person stops, changes, and actually apologizes (and means it).
And now that I'm re-reading this post, I can't help but feel bad, and think about things I'VE done wrong that maybe I haven't apologized for. "He who is without sin let him first cast the stone."
I'm apparently not casting any stones.
But I do want a change.

Homosexuality

2008-03-29T21:39:00.000-07:00

Before you get your head in a tizzy (I know, I know. Outdated/Made up phrase and or slang. Sue me) calm down. This blog is not about to yell about how homosexuality is all wrong, or yell at people who think it is wrong. It's simply my thoughts on it.
My thoughts are honestly confusion. Really, confusion.
I think Brian's sermon helped clear one thing up for me though: God is ALWAYS supposed to come first. Okay, so God is number one priority in my life. (Let's assume he is, and will remain there for this part). If I have a "gay" thought (e.g., "oh that guy looks kind of handsome) is that instantly a sin? (I'm not even going to bother denying that I've never had such a thought) It could be Satan trying to get me off path. It could be the inner core of me, the me that God created, feeling attraction that's perfectly healthy. Sometimes I think if God had meant for people to be gay, he'd have made three guys, and three girls originally. Two men to be together, one man and one woman, and two women to be together. But he didn't he made ONE man, ONE woman. What about people who are homosexual and go to church, pray regularly, and try their hardest to follow God? That could be acceptable. That could also be a temptation that they struggle with. Believers all over the world struggle with sin issues anyway. Hate, malice, lies, those are all over the place. Homosexuality COULD be just another sin for us to struggle with.
Personally? I'm honestly just. not. sure.
I don't feel like I have enough information, and I don't know if I ever will. I'm stuck with a rather paralyzed feeling, jammed between two points and unable to tell which one is the truth, the right one.
What if my lesbian friend grows up, marries a MAN, and is unhappy the rest of her life. Could that be Satan trying to jack her life up, when God actually intended her to marry another woman?
I don't know.
I wish I did, it could definitely make my life easier.

Crap

2008-03-28T18:57:00.000-07:00

Well I feel like crap now.
What do you do, when a person has hurt you, and still occasionally hurts you, but was unaware until recent that you didn't like them? What do you say? God says to forgive people 70 times 70, or basically always forgive... Okay so I forgive them (or at least, let's assume). Now what? It's hard to LIKE the person, let alone love as God loves, when they can still have the power to make me feel like crap. Of course, apathy isn't love, but if I'm apathetic at least I can't be hurt by them. And.. trying to talk to the person? Results in me feeling bad and probably apologizing because I hate arguments, disagreements, and general bad vibes between other people and me. Not talking about it? Yields me feeling like crap. If the person would just STOP, I'd be able to forgive pretty easily and just move on, but there's no end to it...
I want to get along with them, really.
But my personality type doesn't get along easily with cynical types who call me things that make me hurt.
And final factor in the whole thing, the other calls themselves a believer, but I don't see too much to show for it.
I need ideas, or inspiration from God, or something really amazing because I don't know what to do, especially when I've got 2.25 more years of high school to survive through with this person.

Tension...

Srsly?

2008-03-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

My last three posts have been pretty serious. I don't know if I want to keep all my posts like that.
Sure, it's always good to have some serious thoughts, but I've got an immature side just like anybody else! But, what do you think? Should I keep all my posts really serious? Or should I mix in some stupid videos once in awhile? Or maybe I should just be immature all the time? Ha, you tell me.

Too serious?

Insecurity

2008-03-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

I hate this part of me.
Heck, everyone hates their insecure side.
But I'm no exception. Mine just wants me to be able to blend in, and not be noticed. But so many times, I don't feel that way. I feel like I'm the awkward different one of a couple different groups. I mean, I know I belong to Jesus, and no one else, but... I WANT to belong to other people. I want to be part of the group, and just be another guy, not the awkward person I so often see myself as. If you were to ask some of my friends on how well I fit into their groups... Well I'd hope they'd say really well, but even if they did, I'd still feel as though I didn't. (Dangling participle? Oh well). Lately I've been over-analyzing everything from the way I stand to the way I phrase things.
Maybe it's just a teen thing.
Maybe God didn't design me to belong anywhere or to anyone but Him.
Maybe I'm over-analyzing my insecure side.
Maybe I just need to calm down.
I think right now, I'm just going to try and let God tell me this one.. and if his answer is wait, so be it.
I'll wait for his answer.

Schoolwork

2008-03-26T08:43:00.000-07:00

Few things in life have the ability to stress me out to the point where some of my nerves are actually snapping. But why? Just a B+ in any class is enough to push me into focus mode, so there's no possible way it'll drop any lower. The majority of my stress in life, is school and grades. Is that right? I'm sure it's a good thing that I'm concerned about my grades, but worrying about them doesn't help a thing. A good question to ask, would be is this all my fault? The answer: no.

Just this morning, I spent over two hours in another classroom, unable to get any work done because all my stuff was in MY classroom. I wasn't allowed to go back and get my stuff, because an "important meeting" was going on. So, I sat around, getting absolutely nothing done for 2 whole hours.

I could go on and on with a rant about this, but I've decided not to get too worked up about it.

Back

2008-03-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

I've decided to give blogging a shot again.
Maybe it's partly reading Brian's blog, and thinking about how interesting it could be to write posts like that. I learn a lot about my youth pastor, and sometimes God just by reading a blog.
Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately?) I don't have a lot of people reading my blog. The important thing however, is that I am back and typing up things for people to read again.

Something I'm going to blog about though, is yesterday. Monday the 25th. Coming back from Spring Break can always be stressful. I've still got to make it through 3rd quarter, and then a whole fourth quarter with no breaks but the weekends and one monday off. This is a time when the whole classroom will get stressed out to the point where we're all ticked off at each other. Yesterday, was no exception. Usually I just keep stress inside, just try to roll with it, but yesterday was an exception. The f-bomb could be heard from my mouth at least twice, and my thoughts were nowhere near what God would likely want them to be. Now, at first this might not seem like THAT big a problem, as lots of people let loose with a "f*ck" or a "Sh*t" numerous times a day, and my thoughts are inside my head, not hurting anyone. Not anyone, except for me. I try really hard to be a Godly example at school. Most of my classmates aren't the sort that would be receptive to being preached at, and I already have somewhat of a label as the religious guy and goody-two-shoes. So when the majority of my witness is my actions, and my actions aren't Godly, I can't be communicating a good message. Fortunately, God is definitely willing to forgive, and I'm determined to learn from at least this mistake, and be ready for this next time.

That's all for now. I wish I had some funny hilarious link to end this with, but I don't.
I don't have any amazing photoshopped pictures as Brian does either.
Oh well. If you even read this, thanks for reading.