Basically just a rant post

First off, new worship song today in church.
It really was fantastic. I felt close to God, and I wasn't about to cry but I was getting there. If we'd played another worship song and I had worshipped my heart out I would've cried. It was basically close to OGN, and anything even close to OGN wins.

But then church was over and a lot of people were leaving. I was getting a ride home with mom who was going to wal-mart first so I decided I'd just hang out around Encounter with some of the people left there, they were doing band practice or something.

And I swear, Satan was so trying to attack me really bad. In church. Just like... I started realizing how I'm not really using any musical talent at all right now... I know God's given me a little bit, but like..

I want to learn to play guitar and all that, but at the same time I don't. I guess I want to know how to play, not learn how to play. And my parents don't want me to quit karate, so we take that on mondays and thursdays, tuesday group, and small groups on wednesdays, my week is already QUITE full enough without the addition of guitar lessons anyways.

But.. I kind of really wish I was doing something musical again. I feel really stupid and out of place when other people are playing music around me (aside from worship) and it's like... I can't do that. I don't even try anymore. And then I'm mad at myself for NOT trying, which gets me more down.

So I'm just kind of sitting there staring off into space, feeling increasingly bad. And stupid, and sucky, and like I don't matter (which is MORE stupid because we JUST talked about how everybody matters). And I'm totally playing the comparanoia game, which is probably the dumbest thing ever.

And some part of me was like "I really should talk to God about this" and at the same time, another part of me was saying "No, just dwell in the pain for a bit, don't talk to God about it."

Well.

I don't know about you, but to me, when I feel like not talking to God, that is BAD.

I kind of really wanted someone to just come over and ask me what's up, but I don't think anyone noticed.
It's not really their faults though, I just don't show negative emotions very well.
But I really wish someone had.

Because there's like... things I kind of want to tell people about. Things that I would not tell just anyone. And I had kind of thought I knew who that was and I was going to tell them at Tuesday group but it just didn't happen. I felt a bit betrayed at that, I guess. I mean, I had told the person I wanted to talk to them at Tuesday group on Sunday. I just kind of want someone to tell things to. Alot of people are like "you can come to me" and I could, but I won't. I honestly just wouldn't feel comfortable opening to just anyone. Even some tuesday group people, I wouldn't. Same with mom and dad, they tell me I can tell them anything and I probably could and it would be fine, but they're my parents, not peers. And that, fortunately AND unfortunately, is all the difference in the world.

(this could probably just be marked as typical angsty teen blog post. sorry)


Anyway, I just thought it was so stupid, I could be worshipping God so hard, almost crying joyful tears, and then crying on the inside because of despondency just 45 minutes later. I really wish I was more passionate about music. I really want some drive for music, but it's just not THERE. I don't feel like I have a huge drive for anything right now. Even photography, which is normally like, one of my favorite things to do.


Well, while I'm on the subject of ranting, birthday rant.

I really don't know what I want to do.
I originally said I wanted to go to Knott's Berry Farm with just me and a friend, then I thought maybe Disneyland so another friend could come along, and now it's just getting so complicated, I don't even want to DO anything because it's becoming too difficult to sort out what I want to do, I don't even know what the crap I want to do anymore.
I don't really want much for my birthday either, just a shirt and this one book, and like... my license, but that won't happen yet. Birthdays suck. I can't really say that with as much emphasis, but they really suck.
Every year it's supposed to be like a really happy celebratory day but it always just sucks.
Every single year.

Another rant: The language in my head.
I really don't let it slip alot, but in my head, I have SUCH a dirty mouth. Everything is sh*tty, it's f*** this, G*d d*mn that, all over the place. I hate it.

There's seriously like all this junk in my head, and I don't want to say it but at the same time it's really really tempting for me to do so.


The last rant could really be summed up in four words, "So there's this girl..."
But I'll give you more information.
Which, any of my peers reading this, probably want.
So there's this girl, I think I like her. I find it really hard to be myself around her.
I can be myself around just about everyone else, at school and encounter.
But around her, I don't know, I just feel VERY self-conscious and awkward.
And like, on myspace, when she posts a bulletin about oh this sucks, or oh this part of me hurts so bad right now, I REALLY want to like, just encourage her.
I really like encouraging people, but with her it's like... I just want to do it more so.
I don't know if she knows I think I like her.
Bleh, complications.

But, it's stupid to like her.
Right now, when I'm feeling semi-despondent and all that crap, is not a good time to begin a relationship. I think it was Brian who said two people should be whole with God, before trying to connect with each other. Two broken people coming together just doesn't end well, and I'm definitely not whole right now.

It just wouldn't work.
I want all the plus sides to a relationship so bad though...
I want to like... really mean something to someone.
Have people or even a person tell me something I said or did just helped them out so much.
But I don't want the heartbreak that will inevitably come out of a relationship.

Not to mention some little things about me, such as I'm not very romantic.

Just... wouldn't work.


UGH.
I just thought back to the previous part of this post.


About music and stuff.
I want to get rid of karate SO. FREAKIN'. BAD.
I'm SICK of it.
I'd really like to quit karate and start either guitar or drum lessons...
I've tried talking to my parents about it though, they really want me in karate "because that's the only exercise you get!" (My school doesn't do P.E.)

So freakin' lame...