Church shatters me

K I'm just going to plunge right in.




Last two weeks, I go to church. Worship happens. I get really into it, both times feel God and just generally it's funtimey.


Then message, then church is over.
And apparently sometime during the message, maybe right after church ends, I don't know, but all the joy from worship is just gone. And it's replaced with comparanoia crap and other stuff that just makes me feel like dirt.

I don't know if it's just some introverted part of me, but really all I want to do after church is go home and feel yucky.

Instead of like, inspiring me to improve myself, and helping me bond with God, it's just... not happening.

Church is like, throwing me up in the air closer to God during worship, then no one catches and I just kind of shatter on the ground.




And with the comparanoia thing, it started off when today I was just looking at people and I was just kind of like "Oh, I wish I looked more like that person." But then I realized maybe it's not that I want to look like the person, maybe it's the personality that I want.


I guess I just don't feel like much of a dude.
I don't like sports.
I don't like football, soccer, basketball, or anything.
I don't like camping, BBQ ribs, BMX, Wrestling, or going to the gym to work out.
I never feel very tough.
I have a freakin' black belt, and I'm sure I could still get my rear end kicked by a lot of people.
Basically, I feel pretty short of the 'man' line.

And I mean, really I KNOW that that's not what really defines being a dude and all. And that there's men who do ballet, blah blah.
But you try telling my emotions that, they're not listening.

And even the things I do normally like, I don't even have a passion for them the last two weeks.
I don't want to go do photography.
I don't want to play music.
I don't want to write.
I think if we had TV all I'd do besides tuesday group, small groups, and homework is just watch that. All freakin' day.
I have passion for like... one thing recently and that's Tuesday group. That's like the place I feel like I fit in, and even there not 100% of the time. But more than anywhere else. Even church.

I just had a thought, and I'm going to quote it word for word even though it's got a word I very very very rarely say.

"I want my damn license already."


I don't even think that would solve any of my personality problems.
But I'm tired of not being able to go places unless I can get a ride.


Now watch, I'll get that license.
And then I will be venting here about gas prices and insurance and all that.


Meh.


I know I'm not the only one dealing with this lack of passion thing, someone else at tuesday group has had it longer than I have.


I want that feeling to manifest physically.

So I can beat the living crap out of it with some blunt object.

Maybe a stick.