Messages

I really liked Sarah's message yesterday.
Basically, it was about how we need to enter church on Sundays, as we really are. Which is screwed up, hurt, broken, miserable, pissed off, whatever. She was saying how sometimes we feel the need to put of this total facade of gotta be perfect, gotta look like the perfect little Christ follower.

I think it's so true.
Because, even on the internet, where I rant, I don't let it all out.

Sometimes, I just want to let loose a giant shout of "FUCK!!!"








I still don't believe you should go around spouting horrible language all over the place. But I'm thinking of this line between censoring myself and authenticity. If I censor too much of myself, I'm not showing myself, and I'm not being real to people. I'm witholding from them, essentially. On the other side, if I let out too much, I'm really not being a good representative of who I say I represent, Jesus Christ.


So that was kind of what I thought after the message last sunday.
Another thing though, is I've decided... Well not quite decided as much as discovered I guess, that I'm pretty much anti-social.
Not to the extreme sense, but to an introverted sense.

I just can't stand being around too many people for too long. It just sucks the energy right out of me. It's an ENORMOUS effort to get through school each day. I just get angrier and more tired and aggravated. Then I go home and get an hour break, and then I'm off to Tuesday group or small group, or whatever for.. MORE PEOPLE.
And it's kind of driving me crazy.

It's DEFINITELY not that I hate my friends. I love them. I really, really, really love them. But after so long, I just want to go HOME. I want to be alone. I like hanging out with just the three of us, or just the two of us.

I think everyone needs friends. Everyone needs community, depends on it even.
So I've got these two sides constantly bickering. First I feel left out and unincluded, then I get together with my friends and I can't wait to get away.




I really feel like I want a girlfriend right now. I don't think the relationship would last but I want someone who I can go and hang out with, just BE together. Talking if we feel like it, but mostly just enjoying the silence together and thinking. Someone to imagine with, to call up when I'm lonely.

People say God's really all you need and while I guess it's true, it's not what I feel right now. I feel like God + friends just aren't cutting it. Maybe I'm just dissatisfied.




Anyway, rant portion of this blog is over.
Sunday afternoon was cool, until my camera died.
Michael, Melissa, Jon, Monty and I went to the tidepools. Michael and I took pictures. It was funtimes. Melissa = VERY photogenic.


And now, now I'm sitting in school, looking for ANOTHER freakin' internship and I have no idea what the HECK I want to do as my next internship, struggling with all my thoughts, just feeling... GAH. Oops, rant portion is not over.

But on the other hand, I was reading Psalms in the Bible. And turns out David and I have a lot in common. These verses were so me. Pslams 55:5-8:

"Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.

I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest-

I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
Selah

I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm."

I am that. Right now.